How to Fix Soccer for American Fans

There has been some discussion this World Cup about how to make the game of “football” more appealing for American audiences. Without question, tremendous progress has been made in the 21st century in helping soccer gain the respect it deserves among sports enthusiasts in the United States. But where are all the goals? Where are the showmanship, the celebrity, and the ludicrous victory displays that fans in this country crave?


American’s don’t do subtlety.

We don’t wait 90 minutes for a 0-0 draw, hard-fought by clever footwork, divisive off-sides calls, and blatant flopping just to draw the fouls. We need scores that rival our hourly calorie intake. Injuries that would make George Romero shudder. Theatrics that would make Michael Bay shit his pants before going home cryin’ to mama.

This is why I am proposing an overhaul of the game that the rest of the world calls football. A new game which we, as Americans, can be proud to call soccer. A game as epic as this great country itself.

The first changes come on offense. Immediately, we replace the keeper’s box with a 3-point arc. Any goal scored inside the arc counts for—you guessed it—two points. But that leaves one point, you’re probably thinking. Exactly. Any foul taking place within the offensive half now results in the free-throw equivalent of an instant penalty kick between the accosted and the opposition’s goal keeper. Making the goal counts for a single point.

But wait, there’s more.

Yellow cards now result in a free kick from midfield on an open goal while red cards result in a free kick from 18 yards out on an open goal. Making these shots is worth five points.

Clearly, you are now preparing the following argument in your mind. But Sean, the problem is that teams aren’t scoring in the first place, so what difference does it matter how much a hypothetical goal is worth? I’m way ahead of you. Did I mention that the goal is now extended to be the entire width of the field and fifteen feet tall?

Woah, no you didn’t.

Consider it done, my friend. And since obviously one goalkeeper alone can’t cover that much ground—unless your keeper is Chuck Norris, which is strictly forbidden by my rules—I’m allowing each team’s bench to help cover the space…on trampolines. That’s right. Now we’re talking no less than 7-10 players covering the gigantic scoring area bouncing in all directions as they attempt to deflect three-point bullets from Christiano Ronaldo. That ought to give Fernando Torres something to do while Spain wins a world championship without him.

As for theatrics, try a live landmine on for size planted somewhere on the field. It’s not active all the time, obviously. We’re not savages. It’s set for five minute cycles, during which it becomes active for only three seconds at a time. That should make the game a little more explosive for our tastes. Couple that with rabid German Shepherds specifically trained to track down floppers for disrespecting the art of the game. Did I mention that these dogs are rabid? I wonder if that will impede their ability to follow through on their extensive flop-identification training. Only time will tell.

Frankly, it doesn’t concern me. It’s the price I’d pay to keep Ghana humble the next time an American player’s sleeve brushes him across the forearm and sends him barrel-rolling five times over the pitch into a painful act of anguish straight out of HBO’s “The Pacific”.

By my estimate, the average score of any given game should rival an NBA final, and added time at the end of each half should be somewhere in the 1-2 hour range. Nothing major.