The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin

http://www.restorestephenbaldwin.org/

I couldn't make this up. Why would I even want to make this up? So, apparently Christians love a comeback story (who doesn't, right?) and a particular group of them has decided to invest all its money and faith in seeing Stephen Baldwin return to where he belongs: Playing third fiddle behind brothers Alec and Adam, who at least has stayed busy with two successful cult TV shows in "Chuck" and "Firefly".

Stephen has been through his share of rough times. I get that. I don't care if he's found peace in God, Jehovah, or even the Book of Mormon; as long as he's truly dedicating himself to being a better human being and reforming some semblance of a career, that is something we can all support. However, to establish a website and a foundation built around raising loads of money for him, simply to lift him up and rub it in the faces of every rational person who ever doubted him, is damn nigh to Scientology. That's not God at work. That's simply piggybacking off of a Baldwin's past success in hopes of using it to exploit the gullability of the naive.

I'll only be convinced that a miracle of heavenly proportions has taken place if, at the end of all of this, the "saved" Stephen Baldwin can suddenly act. I mean, it's pretty damn pitiful when you're only the second most successful person to come out of the show "The Young Riders" (Josh Brolin being the first, and don't even try to argue that with me, regardless of how "Jonah Hex" does). All in all, we're talking about a man whose career can be best summarized by a CSI cameo, several terrible action/sci-fi romps, and a respectable supporting role in "The Usual Suspects".

Let's say that tomorrow Lindsay Lohan gets her shit together and stops blaming everyone but herself for all her trouble. Even if I were a Christian, that doesn't mean I'm going to rush out and suddenly buy the deluxe, three-disc special edition of "Mean Girls" or revisit her short-lived pop career (more like "popped" career...sorry to burst your bubble). Being a Christian doesn't mean that one cannot have taste. I would applaud Stephen Baldwin for his newfound conviction to better himself, but I'm not going to throw money at him and call his "restoration" proof of God's divine plan. The thought of a supreme entity being operating through those kinds of channels is simply too terrifying for me to comprehend.

Besides, I'd rather throw money at Robert Downey Jr.

Why I left Facebook

Just over six years ago (Geez, has it really already been six??), college students around the country began flocking to a social-networking website that would redefine the phrase called "Facebook". Old friends were rediscovered, new friendships blossomed, and relationship hearts either swelled, cracked, or became complicated, depending on one's romantic situation. A utopian virtual world straight out of "Tron" was forged and the beauty was in its simplicity; one was only a boring afternoon away from setting up a profile, friending a bunch of old acquaintances, and listing Dave Matthews Band (Read: "Dave") or Jack Johnson (Read: "Jack") under favorite music from being an official Facebook user.

Then things took an unexpected turn.

The first few years were relatively harmless. Sure, a few of us became a little overzealous with our pursuit of "friends". We "friended" people who were in no way even remotely qualified for holding such a title; after all "friend" is a concept defined explicitly and solely by every single individual of modern humanity who has ever lived. But certainly no harm could come from broadening the definition of a word associated with so many good tidings and blessings. Who is he who is not mine enemy, but a friend? And the process of taking on so many "friends" did wonders for one's sense of popularity (this writer definitely became an addict to it). Thus, Facebook grew and with this expanion, businessmen realized that there was a not inconsiderable amount of money to be made through social-networking.

As Facebook expanded, Facebook saw fit to convince its users that Facebook was their most important "friend" of all. Indeed, Facebook itself would become the one friend shared by each and every user and oh, tits, what a friend. Why, who else among your friends has the capacity to entertain you literally until Rapture? Mafia Wars. Farmville. These were among the first "apps" to begin reeling people deeper into the mire of this digital universe. Time spent on Facebook and interacting with these different applications and competing with your different "friends" became the most important investment through which the site would flourish. Unfortunately, time is something that most people love to spend but not something that people like to feel like they have wasted (even when they do). Some of us have been expanding and elaborating our Facebook profiles for nearly six years. To leave Facebook would be to forfeit this commitment.

And this has defined Facebook's ideology since its creation. In order for Facebook to survive, it has to adapt to changing social trends and constantly redefine itself. It needs more and more users and it needs them to connect in ways that will benefit its commercial partners and obligations. Like a parasite, it feeds on your time and your submissive ideology that you need Facebook. In fact, the opposite is true. Facebook needs you; it just doesn't want you to realize that.

Let's look at the pros, first. It is possible to do virtually anything on Facebook. It is possible to entertain absolutely any interest or fancy that would could possibly have, whether it be "liking" a favorite TV show or movie (no matter how obscure) or following a favorite celebrity. However, the same can be said of the Internet itself. There is nothing that you can find on Facebook that you cannot find in literally one-hundred other places. Secondly, Facebook is truly a groundbreaking way to reconnect with people you knew years earlier that you may have lost contact with. This is where I would address the people who have been using the website for five to six years, as I have. By this point, you have already reached out to those people who were most important to you! Take an afternoon and save all their contact information so that you can get in touch with them whenever you want and LEAVE FACEBOOK. You can always log back in absolutely whenever you might want to reactivate your account and look into whether or not their information may have changed.

I could go on and on, of course, but there's little point. Facebook does have tons of cool stuff. It kept me as an avid, though not obsessive, user for more than half a decade. Approximately a fourth of my life by my estimate. However, it is the tone of Facebook after its several years of evolution that has driven me away. I hope others will follow my lead and abandon their profiles, as well, if only for a little while.

Facebook offers a service that any other tool or device of its kind can provide. It knows this. That is why it caters and panders to you like the slimiest used-car salesman picking on the dimmest customer in the lot. Every day, it invades some aspect of your online privacy (let's face it; no matter how carefully you adjust your settings). It tries to tell you who your friends should be and all the while seems bent on further corrupting your definition of the term. Most of your "friends" are simply not your friends, people; some of them don't even like you (I, for one, had begun to cease to even like myself). Facebook used to be a place where college students could convene and keep in touch with each other; something intended to make college orientation less painful. Today, Facebook is constantly peeking over your shoulder and telling you what you should be doing, who you should be friending, even what you should be buying, and recently who you should be voting/not voting for.

Hence, the classic Apple advertisement above of a woman about to throw a hammer through the face of Big Brother, which seems all too ironic now given the smug social persona that Apple has adopted in recent years (go to any Apple store and you will see what I mean).

Facebook does not want you to realize how much it needs you. It needs to divert your attention from the fact that you can easily do without it. You can easily show your allegiance to any of your most earnest causes in a million other places without joining a Facebook group. You can easily e-mail a friend through G-mail and a million other free Internet mail-providers rather than using Facebook messaging. You can even Twitter (I can't believe I'm endorsing Twitter) if you absolutely have to know what all of your friends are doing 24/7 and need to let them know that you are "L'ing ur AO". Some of you are fortunate enough to barely use Facebook as it is. So I ask you, consider the reasons for why you do use it and ponder the steps you would have to take to eliminate them. Concerned about keeping in touch? Start an address book and ask each person for everything you need from them. They'll probably be flattered that you actually care enough about them to want to ensure you stay in touch. Bored all the time? Well, Facebook clearly is not the answer, but why not do a little exploring on your own? Every dilemma that Facebook wants you to think it can solve can be more adequately solved somewhere else.

Why did I leave Facebook? Because it has become a vehicle for hate groups around the world to broadcast their messages, free of accountability. It has become a forum for people with uninformed opinions to conceive that their voices somehow matter just as much as experts in their respective fields. It has become an obsessive tool of vanity and egoism to which I have not infrequently been susceptible and Facebook has worked tirelessly to convince me that I simply won't abandon it (The Gollum to my Smeagol...if you didn't get that watch "The Two Towers" scene where the two confront each other in a rather schizo exchange).

Have you ever tried to close your account? Go to your "Account Settings" and hit "Deactivate" just to experience how stupid Facebook believes you are. Come on, do it. You will be informed of four or five randomly generated "close friends" (one of mine which included an ex-girlfriend with whom I rarely even speak nowadays) who will "Miss You", while showing you pictures of yourself and them together. Seriously. Facebook literally wants you to believe that without it, all of your relationships are null and void. You have no friends except for those whom Facebook has given you and they're all just thrilled to still be on Facebook. You will also have to choose a reason (and you cannot exit Facebook without giving them a reason) for leaving from a list of predetermined problems. Upon clicking any bullet in this list, Facebook will then confront you with a prompt explaining how said problem was not actually Facebook's but yours for being too stupid to use the site properly.

I would recommend going to town on that "Other" option, so that you can tell them in your own words why you are leaving it. Don't worry; your account will automatically reactivate the next time you log in. Drink that in for a second. All you have to do is return to Facebook and do what you have always done in the past and your deactivation will be void. You don't even have to re-register. Facebook gets to hold onto all your information for you. In fact, Facebook is so confident that you won't stay off Facebook that they even tell you they'll "see you soon" once you shut down your account.

Mark my words: You can do it. Some of you won't, of course, and that's fine. If Facebook is truly what makes you happy then stay on Facebook. That would be a shallow existence for me, but if it works for you then that is your right. But there are some of you who could easily leave Facebook with little difficulty and I think you'll be shocked just how minutely it impacts your life. You can even ween yourself off by making Wednesday's Facebook Day or something, but I can't even imagine what would happen if everyone made up their minds to simply deactivate their profiles for a month. Let's say August 2010. I think we would be startled to see how much extra time we suddenly have and maybe...just maybe...Facebook would belong to us again, if we even still want it.

The Sean Chandler Top 100 Films

Here's a hint..."The Sixth Sense" is not one of them. Also, I imagine that there are literally tons of great films I left off this list. They have not been included because I have yet to see them (I will eventually), but Homey don't play dat. When I get around to them, they might be added but, in the mean time, here's my list. Many of them are noticeably recent. Strangely, within the last 24 years...

The Sean Chandler TOP 100

1. Schindler’s List
2. Casablanca
3. Citizen Kane
4. The Shawshank Redemption
5. Pulp Fiction
6. To Kill a Mockingbird
7. 2001: A Space Odyssey
8. No Country for Old Men
9. The Godfather
10. Slumdog Millionaire
11. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
12. Forrest Gump
13. Pan’s Labyrinth
14. Lawrence of Arabia
15. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
16. Spirited Away
17. Apocalypse Now
18. Saving Private Ryan
19. Raiders of the Lost Ark
20. Blade Runner
21. Fargo
22. Amadeus
23. Silence of the Lambs
24. A Clockwork Orange
25. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
26. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
27. Raging Bull
28. Gran Torino
29. The Motorcycle Diaries
30. Brazil
31. Rain Man
32. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
33. Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire
34. Braveheart
35. Water
36. The Exorcist
37. Gandhi
38. The English Patient
39. The Pianist
40. The French Connection
41. Bringing Out the Dead
42. Children of Men
43. Hotel Rwanda
44. M.A.S.H.
45. Shakespeare in Love
46. Magnolia
47. Full Metal Jacket
48. It’s a Wonderful Life
49. Close Encounters of the Third Kind
50. Chinatown
51. The Queen
52. Atonement
53. Life Is Beautiful
54. The Great Escape
55. Star Wars: A New Hope
56. Taxi Driver
57. Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
58. Mystic River
59. Easy Rider
60. Fight Club
61. The Aviator
62. The Princess Bride
63. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial
64. The Full Monty
65. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
66. Inglourious Basterds
67. Finding Nemo
68. Midnight Cowboy
69. Being John Malkovich
70. Up in the Air
71. Let the Right One In
72. The Lion King
73. Apocalypto
74. The Dark Knight
75. No Man’s Land
76. The Incredibles
77. The Hurt Locker
78. Die Hard
79. A Prophet
80. The Deer Hunter
81. Aliens
82. Se7en
83. Gods and Monsters
84. Eastern Promises
85. Frost/Nixon
86. Casino Royale
87. Brick
88. Kill Bill
89. Shaun of the Dead
90. Jaws
91. Lost in Translation
92. The Fisher King
93. Gattaca
94. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
95. Love Actually
96. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
97. Wall-E
98. Moulin Rouge
99. In Bruges
100. The Devil’s Backbone

The White Buffalo Presents: Sean Chandler's 100 Worst Films of All Time

May God forgive me for reminding people of the following 100 atrocities against cinema. Don't look at the order as rankings so much as a list. "Battlefield Earth" is a legitimate contender for worst film of all time, but I would not go so far as to say that "Alone in the Dark" is really a superior film compared to "Swept Away" or "Gigli" to any quantifiable degree.

"They're all TERRIBLE!"

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So, without further ado.

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The Sean Chandler WORST 100 Films of All Time:

1. Battlefield Earth

2. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

3. The Hottie & the Nottie
4. Glitter
5. Epic Movie
6. Swept Away
7. Gigli
8. Disaster Movie
9. I Know Who Killed Me
10. Troll 2
11. Howard the Duck
12. Meet the Spartans
13. Alone in the Dark
14. The Adventures of Pluto Nash
15. Freddy Got Fingered
16. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
17. House of the Dead
18. Bratz
19. Daddy Day Camp
20. Marcy X
21. The Creeping Terror
22. Leonard Part Six
23. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
24. Mac and Me
25. From Justin to Kelly
26. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
27. Master of Disguise
28. 3 Strikes
29. Plan 9 From Outer Space
30. Cabin Boy
31. Witless Protection
32. Jaws: The Revenge
33. Twisted
34. Kazaam
35. Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio
36. Wild, Wild West
37. The Guyver
38. Old Dogs
39. John Tucker Must Die
40. Cats and Dogs
41. Ishtar
42. Big Momma’s House 2
43. Norbit
44. Man-Thing
45. Street Fighter
46. Crossroads
47. Save the Last Dance
48. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
49. Are We There Yet
50. Wolf
51. End of Days
52. Dead Silence
53. The Happening
54. Catwoman
55. Monkeybone
56. Bring It On Again
57. Tomcats
58. Bless the Child
59. 88 Minutes
60. Kickin’ It Old School
61. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
62. House of Wax
63. Basic Instinct 2
64. Son of the Mask
65. One Missed Call
66. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
67. Rollerball
68. Batman and Robin
69. Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde (yes, “Ms.”)
70. Spider-Man 3
71. Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
72. Aeon Flux
73. Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
74. The Pacifier
75. Dumb and Dumberer
76. Reindeer Games
77. Labor Pains
78. Captain America (1990)
79. Superman IV
80. Envy
81. The Avengers (1998)
82. Ghost Rider
83. Deck the Halls
84. Darkness
85. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
86. Codename: The Cleaner
87. Delta Farce
88. Bloodrayne
89. Book of Shadows: The Blair Witch Project 2
90. The Haunting
91. Fear Dot Com
92. The 13th Warrior
93. Ticks (replacing "Demolition Man", thanks to David Frost)
94. Surviving Christmas
95. Drag Me to Hell
96. The Postman
97. Scary Movie 3
98. Van Helsing
99. The World According to Garp
100. Ray
101. Clash of the Titans (2010)

Clash of the Titans (aka "How do you fuck up a movie about Greek mythology?")

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Today I had the pleasure of sitting through a thoroughly enjoyable remake of a film based largely on ancient mythology that many nerds and geeks the world over consider to be a cult classic. Wait, I think I'm remembering this wrong. Oh! Scratch that! I actually sat on my own testicles for two hours wishing that Medusa would magically turn around in the seat in front of me and turn my horrified ass to stone while I watched Hollywood rape James Cameron's 3-D legacy for all it's worth.

Let's get things straight. "Clash of the Titans" could very well have crashed and burned had its producers not made two very understandable decisions. First, let's bump its release date back a few weeks so that we can sucker in all the high schoolers and college students who'll be bored on their spring breaks. Second, let's slap "3-D" on this bad boy so that said young people will think "Avatar meets Greek Mythology" (for the record, this is the first and only time I will note the obvious distinction that the Kraken is in no way even remotely Greek). But I digress.

Peter Travers of "Rolling Stone", you tried to warn me before I shelved out matinee money for this garbage. Evidently, I am every bit as stupid as "Clash of the Titans" would have me believe. Twenty minutes into this movie, I could tell that this movie had made some fairly bold presumptions about me. It probably thinks I'm the kind of person who enjoys coloring books and eating the occasional dirt ball, because at first glance it looks like an M & M. It assumes my attention span is too short to note any of the glaring plotholes that riddle this movie like stretch marks in a Mississippi whorehouse (if this metaphor is not indicative of Mississippi whorehouses, please drop me a line). It also assumes that you love Sam Worthington, and you love hearing him drone through the horrendous dialogue in about three different accents while repeating important points left and right so that you can keep up with the film's RELENTLESS pace!

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Relentless.

The worst part about "Clash of the Titans", however, is that there is no logical order to anything that occurs in the film. Louis Letterier was quoted not long ago as saying the following about his decision to remake the classic film: "I watched the original twice and then said 'how do we do it differently so that it becomes a bit more genuine?' (www.aintitcool.com/node/44432). He also said something along the lines of not liking Perseus' motivation enough in first one, so he felt the need to have the character come from a "more emotional place" in his version of the film. Thus, he did as anyone would do and cast Sam Worthington, who is more wooden in this film than the Djinn, who are made of freaking wood. A more emotional place in Letterier's film means killing off Perseus' parents (don't worry, you'll hardly have a chance to know them anyway) and then namedropping his father about fifty different times throughout the film.

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At this point, I would go on and talk about all the other horrendous performances in the movie, from Liam Neeson's disinterested Zeus to Ralph Fiennes' Hades, who seems to rasp and whisper every line of dialogue as if Fiennes himself is embarrassed to be a part of this crap. Oh yeah, and Danny Huston makes a startling turn as Poseidon, complete with ONE FUCKING LINE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE.

Hold on, I lost my primary point somewhere in all of this. Oh yeah, the plot sequencing. Nothing in "Clash of the Titans" makes an ounce of sense when weighed against Greek mythology or, gasp, common logic. Things just happen. Perseus happens across the pegasus early in the film only so that the pegasus can swoop into the underworld later on and rescue Perseus. No explanation. Calibos' blood breeds giant scorpions (not as cool as they sound) that are effing terrifying for about five minutes before being turned into LOTR oliphants that Perseus and company ride across the desert. Think about that for a moment. THEY RIDE GIANT SCORPIONS SPROUTED FROM A FALLEN KING'S CURSED BLOOD. Holy effing Christmas.

And then you have the Kraken, or at least a creature called the Kraken, who seems to serve no purpose other than to take about fifteen minutes to raise out of the ocean and for Liam Neeson to deliver his most cringeworthy morsel of dialogue to date. If you have seen a single commercial for "Clash of the Titans" you have seen the coolest footage of the Kraken. Everything after that just looks like a crossbred vampire-turtle-dildo with tentacles (you would think such an item would appeal to both the "Twilight" and "TMNT" fanbase...).

Okay, I am literally exhausted from my hatred for this movie. The last point that I would make is the love story between Perseus and Io, which seemed about as forced as Gemma Arterton's painstaking attempts to isolate an expression on the emotional spectrum other than surprise and confusion. They even strike up romantic tension on the mythic boat the Charon navigates across the Styx, because boy, oh, boy, nothing kindles the mood like a brief yacht-ride across the river of the damned!

For the love of the gods, save your money and avoid this one at all costs. Rent the original. You may not love it. You may even hate it. But know that I have saved you precious dollars and moments of your life that would have been wasted watching this unoriginal, thoroughly intolerable garbage.