There has been some discussion this World Cup about how to make the game of “football” more appealing for American audiences. Without question, tremendous progress has been made in the 21st century in helping soccer gain the respect it deserves among sports enthusiasts in the United States. But where are all the goals? Where are the showmanship, the celebrity, and the ludicrous victory displays that fans in this country crave?
American’s don’t do subtlety.
We don’t wait 90 minutes for a 0-0 draw, hard-fought by clever footwork, divisive off-sides calls, and blatant flopping just to draw the fouls. We need scores that rival our hourly calorie intake. Injuries that would make George Romero shudder. Theatrics that would make Michael Bay shit his pants before going home cryin’ to mama.
This is why I am proposing an overhaul of the game that the rest of the world calls football. A new game which we, as Americans, can be proud to call soccer. A game as epic as this great country itself.
The first changes come on offense. Immediately, we replace the keeper’s box with a 3-point arc. Any goal scored inside the arc counts for—you guessed it—two points. But that leaves one point, you’re probably thinking. Exactly. Any foul taking place within the offensive half now results in the free-throw equivalent of an instant penalty kick between the accosted and the opposition’s goal keeper. Making the goal counts for a single point.
But wait, there’s more.
Yellow cards now result in a free kick from midfield on an open goal while red cards result in a free kick from 18 yards out on an open goal. Making these shots is worth five points.
Clearly, you are now preparing the following argument in your mind. But Sean, the problem is that teams aren’t scoring in the first place, so what difference does it matter how much a hypothetical goal is worth? I’m way ahead of you. Did I mention that the goal is now extended to be the entire width of the field and fifteen feet tall?
Woah, no you didn’t.
Consider it done, my friend. And since obviously one goalkeeper alone can’t cover that much ground—unless your keeper is Chuck Norris, which is strictly forbidden by my rules—I’m allowing each team’s bench to help cover the space…on trampolines. That’s right. Now we’re talking no less than 7-10 players covering the gigantic scoring area bouncing in all directions as they attempt to deflect three-point bullets from Christiano Ronaldo. That ought to give Fernando Torres something to do while Spain wins a world championship without him.
As for theatrics, try a live landmine on for size planted somewhere on the field. It’s not active all the time, obviously. We’re not savages. It’s set for five minute cycles, during which it becomes active for only three seconds at a time. That should make the game a little more explosive for our tastes. Couple that with rabid German Shepherds specifically trained to track down floppers for disrespecting the art of the game. Did I mention that these dogs are rabid? I wonder if that will impede their ability to follow through on their extensive flop-identification training. Only time will tell.
Frankly, it doesn’t concern me. It’s the price I’d pay to keep Ghana humble the next time an American player’s sleeve brushes him across the forearm and sends him barrel-rolling five times over the pitch into a painful act of anguish straight out of HBO’s “The Pacific”.
By my estimate, the average score of any given game should rival an NBA final, and added time at the end of each half should be somewhere in the 1-2 hour range. Nothing major.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Lost: The Sequel
So, after watching the finale of "Lost", I couldn't help but ponder... "What's going to happen some day when ABC inevitably releases 'Lost: The Next Generation'?" In fact, I stressed over the idea for most of Monday and Tuesday while I was bored at work. As a result, I concocted the following set of ideas for what I call "The Chandler Treatment" of a Lost sequel series. ABC, get your checkbooks ready. We're about to pay a visit to...
Story: Picks up roughly 25 years after the events depicted in “Lost” finale, “The End”. The descendants of those who came to the island on Oceanic 815 are asked by Benjamin Linus and Hugo Reyes to return to the island to witness the onset of a 153-year cycle described in ruins located at the temple. Among the team assembled, is a bestselling author, a med-school student, an archeologist, a religious scholar, a historian, an industrialist, and a girl looking for answers regarding the death of her parents, as well as others. Emphasis would be placed on the 153-year event, the island's history, and the island's eventual exposure in the international limelight--the largest catalyst in the sequel series.
Characters (The Children):
Walter “Walt” Lloyd – Walter Lloyd is an internationally-renowned author of a series of books familiarly called “Lost”. His global bestseller “Walkabout”, the second book in the series about survivors of a plane crash on a mysterious island, instantly earned him worldwide intrigue as he focused on a man named “Bentham”, who was in a wheelchair prior to the accident, but can suddenly walk once on the island. Mysteries that include a mysterious monster, polar bears, and strange natives are only a few of the aspects that have riveted audiences from around the world.
But Walt Lloyd is tormented by his past—never knowing what became of his father, Michael Dawson, while being stalked by a relentless detective who claims Walter Lloyd was among those on the manifest of Oceanic 815. And yet, Walter Lloyd, was not one of the infamous “Oceanic Six”—five of whom went missing after the loss of Ajira 316 many years earlier. Walt insists publically that he missed the flight on that fateful day and that Oceanic’s inclusion of him on the manifest was a corporate error, while only his father perished in the flight.
Walt agrees to return to the island as an advisor, on the condition that they won’t fly there and that Hurley is truly in charge of things. He doesn’t trust Ben Linus. More on Walt’s special abilities, including his supposed ability to unconsciously astral-project himself and acute promotions regarding the island, would be addressed.
Aaron Austen-Littleton – Raised by several women, including his grandmother and his mother, Claire, Aaron is a gifted young man who lacks direction. He constantly feels that his life is leading him away from his true calling. Following in his uncle’s (Jack Shepherd) footsteps as a med school student, he is visited one day by a strange man who calls himself Mr. Linus, shortly after the death of his godmother, Kate Austen. Mr. Linus tells Aaron that he is assembling a group of specific people for a mission to an uncharted island of great importance and explains that Aaron has a particular gift that is essential to his needs.
Regarding the “Gift”: Aaron, like the Man in Black, knows things about the island that no one else knows, including how to fix the mysterious wheel at the heart of the island, because he is “special”. More on this would be revealed throughout the series.
Note on Kate Austen: Kate Austen is relentlessly tailed by journalists and conspiracy theorists for the remainder of her life, once returning on the salvaged Ajira 316 with “The Ajira Six” (Richard Alpert, James Ford, Miles Straume, Claire Littleton, and Frank Lapidus). Many believe that she is the sole link connecting that flight with Oceanic 815 and her criminal record is a matter of wide debate. Nevertheless, Aaron Austen recalls that on the day his “other mother” died (in her late 50s of breast cancer), she was the happiest that he had ever seen her, almost as if she were traveling to “a perfect place, bathed in light.”
Note on “Mr. Linus”: Benjamin Linus has not aged either in the last 25 years. Hurley makes him (in essence) the new Richard Alpert. Mr. Linus returns to the mainland bearing a list of people that Hurley has staked out using a renovated version of the island’s lighthouse.
Charles “Charlie” Hume: The heir to the Widmore fortune, Charlie is a wealthy young man in Britain whose life is a contradiction—extremely public while also an enigma. He is reckless and passionate, not unlike his father. He is recruited by Aaron Austen and Mr. Linus because he shares his father’s (Desmond Hume) unique resistance to electromagnetism. The mystery of whatever became of his wealthy grandfather (Charles Widmore) is also a lure used to make him join the mission, strictly against the wishes of his parents.
- Through him, we discover that Desmond eventually left the island using the same boat by which he had arrived.
Note: There is debate as to whether or not Charlie is named after Charlie Pace or his late grandfather, who was never seen again after his last voyage to the island.
Isabella Alpert: Named for his lost wife, Isabella is the daughter of Richard Alpert, who did start to age after leaving the island, but at a somewhat slower rate than expected. He remarried and settled in Los Angeles, determined to live his own life after more than a century of service to others. Isabella is considered a top archeology and history student, and is working on her PHD when she is visited by Mr. Linus, who discovers that the girl already holds some strange opinions about her father’s strange and cryptic past.
Sgt. Clementine “Jamie” Monroe: Is an FBI agent who is brought into the team for security purposes. It is later revealed that she is the daughter of James “Sawyer” Ford, with whom she was reunited after the return of Ajira 316. Sawyer and her “Uncle Miles” taught her everything she knows. Although deeply religious, she takes after her father when it comes to personality.
Ji Yeon Kwon: Would round out the cast of children, joining Aaron’s mission as a volunteer. Mr. Linus is initially reluctant to let her join the quest, because she is not on the list of individuals that Hurley instructed him to receive. However, upon learning of her heritage, he agrees to let her come along. She is on a personal mission to discover whatever became of her parents, Jin and Sun Kwon.
Terrence Spurrier: A European industrialist who blackmails his way into the mission, by connecting all the dots between Benjamin Linus, the Oceanic survivors, and the island. We discover that some of the same men who have been hunting Walt and Aaron and Kate Austen were financed by him. He later reveals himself to be none other than Wilhelm Hanso, the grandson of Alvar Hanso. His primary interest is in unearthing what became of the DHARMA initiative and holding Benjamin Linus accountable for all the people he murdered.
Characters (Returning)
Hugo “Hurley” Reyes: Has been the primary protector of the deserted island for more than twenty-five years. Largely, his time there has been uneventful, although he has returned to the temple and solved several revelations about the island with Ben’s help. For example, he discovers that the nameless Man in Black was not the first smoke monster. He also learns that the light at the heart of the island was not always as divine as others have insinuated. Indeed, the light seems capable of granting to all those who enter it their most profound wish. In the case of dark or evil desires (such as power and greed), the light has a way of consuming individuals and turning them into creatures of smoke.
- However, the light is susceptible to rules and these “rules” form the basis for this series.
- Hurley also delights in considering himself “like Yoda, stuck on Dagobah”.
Note: With regard to the dead souls trapped on the island, we discover that Hurley released many of them, including the spirit of Michael Dawson. Upon learning of Michael’s sacrifice on the freighter, as well as who awaits him in the afterlife (Libby), Hurley frees Michael.
Mr. Linus: Hurley’s personal and professional assistant/mentor. Since Hurley cannot leave the island, Mr. Linus travels on his behalf, amassing a considerable fortune through his front organization Mittelos Bioscience, as well as Hurley’s leftover lottery winnings, which Hurley no longer considers “cursed”.
Characters (New)
Dr. Murtaza “Taz” Qasim: An Egyptian and Muslim scholar who has discovered an ancient myth linked to documents salvaged from the library of Alexandria that connects archaic Egypt to the strange island. He has searched his whole life in vain for the island, believing it to be somewhere in the Mediterranean (where it was located eons ago when Egyptians discovered it and built the statue of Tawaret, which is also the name by which ancient Egyptians had referred to the island in lost scriptures). He comments in his notes that it is almost as if the island were moving—not knowing how correct he is about the theory. When he is offered an opportunity by Mr. Linus to study the island firsthand, he leaps at the opportunity.
Dr. Jasmin Gupta: An Indian Hindu living in London, she is brought onto the mission as its primary religious scholar. Malik is selected also because of her language skills, which include fluent English, German, Arabic, Hindi, and ancient Latin. She is widely considered a genius in her field and has been published in numerous magazines and scholarly journals.
Alo: Known almost exclusively as “Alo”, which is a Hopi word for “spiritual guide”, this Native American serves as the only medium among the crew. The intellectuals on the mission would mock his so-called ability if they weren’t so damned afraid of him. Little do they know that he does more than communicate with ghosts—he is also running from them.
Peter Noble: The captain of the freighter which takes them all back to the island.
Plot
We discover that Hurley was brought to the island, not only as a candidate to replace Jacob, but because of his lifelong encounters with the strange series of numbers (4,8,15,16,23,42). He determines that the numbers have many meanings across the island.
- They denote a number attached to each of the six wells on the island. The wells indicate the six most concentrated energy pockets on the island and the number of years in between “high volatility interims”. For instance, the Swan Station was built on top of “The Four-Year Well”, otherwise known as the most erratic of the electromagnetism pockets across the island. The wells were constructed as venting mechanisms for the island’s energy, based on yearly cycles:
Well #1: 4 Years
Well #2: 8 Years
Well #3 and 4: Alternating 15 and 16 year cycles
Well #5: 23 Years
Well #6: 42 Years
- The Swan Station’s construction, however, left “The Four-Year Well” even more chaotic. This is why they initiated a containment protocol to vent its energy more frequently and prevent a meltdown on a global scale.
- The numbers can also be read as 4,815,162,342 seconds, which Hurley and Ben pinpoint as being roughly 153 years, as they lack a frame of reference to determine precisely when the second-based countdown began. These seconds countdown to a specific event that takes place on the island every 153 years—one that is referenced inside the temple and appears to have been recurring through much of the island’s history.
Mr. Linus begins assembling a team to return to the island in anticipation of the event’s next arrival. In keeping with what made “Lost” so spectacular, it is essential that this team be a culturally and religiously diverse team. They will arrive at the island via a new freighter, and we discover that Walt has not stepped foot on an airplane since leaving the island.
The Event
- As they soon discover, the event is an episode that occurs every 153 years in which the island is catapulted backwards hundreds and hundreds of years to its origins. However, this event requires so much electromagnetic energy that it threatens to unleash immense energy signatures throughout the world. Preventing this “leech effect” is one of the main reasons for assembling the team. Jacob lived through at least 2 of these cycles, but the impact of the energy leech was less eventful due to the lack of global industrialization and technology.
- Unfortunately, they are unsuccessful and the island leaps back in time, while also sending electromagnetic shockwaves around the world that cause havoc for several major cities… (more on this in just a bit)
History of the Island
- In the past, we discover that the island is inhabited by a tribe of people who mostly came there while fleeing religious persecution. Some arrived by boat, some were stranded at sea and swam there, while others wandered onto the island, indicating that it had been attached to land for certain brief periods. All of these “natives” believe that they, too, were brought to the island for a purpose and echo some of the very same sentiments addressed in “Lost” that the island serves as an eternal battleground between good and evil. Before delving deeper into the nature of these inhabitants, however, it is important to address a few other important matters.
The Light and The Smoke Monsters: As we discovered in “Lost”, there is a mysterious light at the heart of the island—one which exerts a particular electromagnetic signature akin to nothing else on Earth, and one which has been devoutly defended by chosen protectors since ancient times. This light is less divine, however, than some have been led to believe. In truth, the light corresponds with an idea pervasive in the early seasons of “Lost”—that the island sometimes grants to its inhabitants those things which their hearts most desire. The light is the mechanism through which this takes place.
- For those who are worthy and noble, the light grants those “chosen” that one desire.
- For those who are deemed of evil and selfish character, the light traps them within a dark and corrupted stream of ash and smoke which serves as the lens for them to examine (and be tortured by) their own vile nature, as well as the character of those whom the smoke encounters. These “reflections” sometimes appear as flashes within the smoke itself and smoke monsters are often driven to seek out those who they can easily manipulate (John Locke, Ben Linus) or those who could potentially be turned into smoke monsters, also (Mr. Eko, before his spiritual redemption). The Man in Black was one of these smoke monsters but he was far from the first. Indeed, there have been moments in time when several smoke monsters roamed the island at once.
- The light is nigh infallible, however, and if a smoke monster were to leave the island, it would nullify the light’s offerings and corrupt it forever. Fortunately, when Jack Shepherd was consumed by the light, his sacrifice served to reinforce the mechanisms that would imprison any future smoke monsters. Note: The protectors of the island, chosen to protect the light at its heart, serve the purpose of keeping away all those who may be corrupted into smoke monsters in the future.
History of the Island (Cont.): For the island’s natives, the 153-year cycle is less precise. Sometimes the cycle’s duration amounts to only weeks or months. At other times, the cycle is experienced as a year or several years (but never more than the longest cycle of four-years). The reasons for this are complicated. Eventually, the original inhabitants discovered the light and began to suspect its abilities. What they could not guess, however, was what it would do to the corrupted among them. Soon, they were bombarded with smoke monsters who would assume the guises of their dead and terrorize them without end.
Indeed, the only means by which they could impeded the smoke monsters was to scatter the ashes of their dead through the jungle—forming an impassable partition through the middle of the island that would protect the light and the natives from the smoke creatures.
One worthy native, whose name was John, went into the cave and entered into the light source wishing for an end to the smoke monsters. The light source replied to him in an ethereal voice that he could hear only his mind. His wish to end the smoke monsters could not be fulfilled, however, because the smoke monsters were deemed necessary punishments for the sins of trespassers into the light. He would discover, also, that one must be willing to claim his own life in order to have his wish desired—in order to prove that it is his innermost want. John stabbed himself in the chest and wished once more that an answer might come to his people, in time.
As a result, the island returns to roughly that point in time every 153 years along with anyone trapped on the island during each cycle, in hopes that future inhabitants of the island may have solved the smoke monster dilemma. Even Jacob met with these inhabitants once long ago, although only briefly and he never saw them again once they discovered he had no solution for their dilemma.
Thus, Jack Shepherd is the first person to ever successfully kill a smoke monster and Hurley was a witness to how he did it. However, Hurley and Benjamin Linus do not know that this is why the island has been traveling backwards in time intermittently in specific cycles. They are only aware that the island will travel back in time and that messing with the wheel embedded into the source will cause this time travel mechanism to skip. Thus, the team is assembled primarily with the hope that they may be able to learn more about the island’s past. They have no idea the scope of the adventure they are about to endure.
By the time that the mission team arrives, the natives they encounter already speak Latin and English, having learned it from the time travelers they have encountered in their quest to defeat “The Smoke”. There are some who still speak their native tongues, also, but Latin and English is fairly common among them. This explains why the woman who murdered Jacob and MIB’s mother already spoke both languages fluent. In a way, these two languages come to embody a sort of code amongst keepers of the island—a rite of passage.
While in the past, the mission team learns untold secrets about the island and helps the natives combat the smoke monsters isolated on the other half of the island. When they return, however, they are met with the realization that they were unable to prevent the “electromagnetic leech effect” and that several major cities around the world were directly affected by their failure. Suddenly, many nations around the world—including some with nefarious purposes—are able to pinpoint the island’s location, just as Penny and Charles Widmore’s teams had. The wheel finally breaks and the people on the island are left knowing that governments and media from around the world are coming for them. Hurley feels like he has failed as the island’s protector, but Ben assures him that they’ll be ready.
With Regard to “The End”
It is also Hurley who elaborates on Jack Shepherd’s experience in the pool of light located in the heart of the island. In the 25 years that Hurley spends on the island, he reveals that he has the unexpected opportunity to speak with Jack’s ghost. We discover that Hurley and Ben eventually found Jack’s body and buried him on that exact spot in the bamboo grove. When Walt asks whatever became of his dog, Vincent, Hurley reveals that their favorite pet lived for five more years after the events depicted in “The End” before also dying peacefully beside Jack’s grave.
- During the conversation with Jack, the ghost reveals to Hurley that the island spoke to him while he was in the light (the same voice that had spoken to the mysterious John, eons earlier). It vowed to fulfill Jack’s innermost desire, although he won’t say what it is. This desire, typical of Jack, was to save everyone he had lost—to create a place where none of the unspeakable things that took place on the island ever occurred. However, Jack confesses that he has not yet made it to that “place”. He is waiting for all the others to arrive first.
- At some point, we would bear witness to Richard Alpert’s death. He would suddenly awaken in a Spanish pasture, looking the way he did all those years on the island. When he opens his eyes, there is a horse standing over him. He smiles and climbs onto its back. The stallion quickly races through the field and over the hillsides, until it arrives at a tiny cottage overlooking cliffs and the sea, where Isabella (his wife) is there waiting for him.
How “The Island” Would Begin
• In the opening sequence, we see a man running in a terrified frenzy through the jungle—a fairly typical “Lost” setup. As the camera pans up, we find that it is an African-American man who looks to be in his mid-30s. Soon, we hear the familiar roar of the island’s “monster” bulldozing the trees behind him as the chase takes the unnamed human past a familiar shoe dangling in the jungle, through a shallow stream, and back into the trees. Suddenly, we see what is chasing him—three violent clouds of smoke are winding their ways through the jungle at his back, closing in on him quickly. In an instant, their shadows engulf him.
• In an instant, we glimpse a close-up of the man’s eye blinking. He is now in a luxurious hotel room, awakening in a bedroom and looking around—seemingly unfamiliar with his surroundings. As he leaves the bed, he wanders around the room and inspects the many amenities that the hotel affords. He is not accustomed to the high-life and can’t help but smile at the absurdity of what fortune his adulthood has granted him. Next, he is well-dressed and ducking into a limousine on his way to a book-release at the largest bookstore in the city.
• He is introduced as author Walter Lloyd by a woman on a loudspeaker as he sits behind a table surrounded by fans of his series—“Losties”. They ask him such questions as “Why polar bears?” and “How is it that the character Bentham can suddenly walk on the island?” and “Is any of this really going anywhere??” Walt answers their questions with a kind but allusive smile, while signing their autographs.
• Soon, he is confronted by a strange man in a business suit who dangles a microphone in front of Walt’s face. He is interrogated about his role in the crash of Oceanic 815 and asked to corroborate his story one last time with the testimonies of “The Oceanic Six” years earlier. This frustrates Walt, but he (just barely) manages to keep his cool. Soon, the man is asked to leave.
(Elsewhere)
• A blonde man of about 28 years is dressing himself in a suit and tie in front of a mirror. He combs his hair and there is deep sadness in his stare. Before long, there is a knock on his door and Claire Littleton (his mother) is welcomed into the room. She addresses him as Aaron and asks if he is ready. Silently, he nods and they exit.
• They are in a car in Los Angeles and we gather that they are driving to a funeral. Claire attempts to cheer Aaron up by asking him how he did on a recent med-school test. He “aced it” even though he barely studied, being too preoccupied with the matter of the death of the person to whose funeral they are in transit. Claire tells him that his uncle would be proud. This does little to cheer him up as he never knew his uncle.
• When they arrive at the funeral, we discover that it is for none other than Kate Austen, who died young from breast cancer. The irony that Kate would die of such a disease after all the times she dodged death on the island is written only in Claire Littleton’s face. Aaron stands beside the casket and there is the faint glisten of a tear in his eye as he weeps for his “other mother”. We learn that Claire and Kate helped raise him together and the three were very close.
• As they stand there, they both recall how happy she was when she died. Her face had glowed with contentment for the first time in months.
• Later, several men arrive who Aaron does not recognize. One seems more shaken by Kate Austen’s death than the others and Aaron confronts him. He introduces himself as James and remarks on how much “the Gerber baby” grew up, but leaves shortly thereafter with Miles Straume. Desmond Hume is also in attendance for the funeral.
• Finally, Benjamin Linus enters, although he stays near the back of the room so that none of the others would see him. Unlike them, he has not aged a single day.
...That's as far as I got with planning the first episode. It's not like I'm writing the thing...yet. But that's my pitch in a nutshell. Holy Balls, how long was that? I feel like I just blacked out for the last hour. God knows if any of it even makes sense. Anyway, enjoy, Bloggers, and let me know how far I missed the mark. I'm sure some of you will anyway. But at least I'm offering answers to some of your questions about the island, which is more than "Lost" did at the end of the day. In the meantime, I'll hope that one day this version of the story is told at length. How would you all continue the series? (I'm aware that as I'm posing this question, I only have one follower, but hopefully more of you will show up in response to this). How about it?
"THE ISLAND"
Story: Picks up roughly 25 years after the events depicted in “Lost” finale, “The End”. The descendants of those who came to the island on Oceanic 815 are asked by Benjamin Linus and Hugo Reyes to return to the island to witness the onset of a 153-year cycle described in ruins located at the temple. Among the team assembled, is a bestselling author, a med-school student, an archeologist, a religious scholar, a historian, an industrialist, and a girl looking for answers regarding the death of her parents, as well as others. Emphasis would be placed on the 153-year event, the island's history, and the island's eventual exposure in the international limelight--the largest catalyst in the sequel series.
Characters (The Children):
Walter “Walt” Lloyd – Walter Lloyd is an internationally-renowned author of a series of books familiarly called “Lost”. His global bestseller “Walkabout”, the second book in the series about survivors of a plane crash on a mysterious island, instantly earned him worldwide intrigue as he focused on a man named “Bentham”, who was in a wheelchair prior to the accident, but can suddenly walk once on the island. Mysteries that include a mysterious monster, polar bears, and strange natives are only a few of the aspects that have riveted audiences from around the world.
But Walt Lloyd is tormented by his past—never knowing what became of his father, Michael Dawson, while being stalked by a relentless detective who claims Walter Lloyd was among those on the manifest of Oceanic 815. And yet, Walter Lloyd, was not one of the infamous “Oceanic Six”—five of whom went missing after the loss of Ajira 316 many years earlier. Walt insists publically that he missed the flight on that fateful day and that Oceanic’s inclusion of him on the manifest was a corporate error, while only his father perished in the flight.
Walt agrees to return to the island as an advisor, on the condition that they won’t fly there and that Hurley is truly in charge of things. He doesn’t trust Ben Linus. More on Walt’s special abilities, including his supposed ability to unconsciously astral-project himself and acute promotions regarding the island, would be addressed.
Aaron Austen-Littleton – Raised by several women, including his grandmother and his mother, Claire, Aaron is a gifted young man who lacks direction. He constantly feels that his life is leading him away from his true calling. Following in his uncle’s (Jack Shepherd) footsteps as a med school student, he is visited one day by a strange man who calls himself Mr. Linus, shortly after the death of his godmother, Kate Austen. Mr. Linus tells Aaron that he is assembling a group of specific people for a mission to an uncharted island of great importance and explains that Aaron has a particular gift that is essential to his needs.
Regarding the “Gift”: Aaron, like the Man in Black, knows things about the island that no one else knows, including how to fix the mysterious wheel at the heart of the island, because he is “special”. More on this would be revealed throughout the series.
Note on Kate Austen: Kate Austen is relentlessly tailed by journalists and conspiracy theorists for the remainder of her life, once returning on the salvaged Ajira 316 with “The Ajira Six” (Richard Alpert, James Ford, Miles Straume, Claire Littleton, and Frank Lapidus). Many believe that she is the sole link connecting that flight with Oceanic 815 and her criminal record is a matter of wide debate. Nevertheless, Aaron Austen recalls that on the day his “other mother” died (in her late 50s of breast cancer), she was the happiest that he had ever seen her, almost as if she were traveling to “a perfect place, bathed in light.”
Note on “Mr. Linus”: Benjamin Linus has not aged either in the last 25 years. Hurley makes him (in essence) the new Richard Alpert. Mr. Linus returns to the mainland bearing a list of people that Hurley has staked out using a renovated version of the island’s lighthouse.
Charles “Charlie” Hume: The heir to the Widmore fortune, Charlie is a wealthy young man in Britain whose life is a contradiction—extremely public while also an enigma. He is reckless and passionate, not unlike his father. He is recruited by Aaron Austen and Mr. Linus because he shares his father’s (Desmond Hume) unique resistance to electromagnetism. The mystery of whatever became of his wealthy grandfather (Charles Widmore) is also a lure used to make him join the mission, strictly against the wishes of his parents.
- Through him, we discover that Desmond eventually left the island using the same boat by which he had arrived.
Note: There is debate as to whether or not Charlie is named after Charlie Pace or his late grandfather, who was never seen again after his last voyage to the island.
Isabella Alpert: Named for his lost wife, Isabella is the daughter of Richard Alpert, who did start to age after leaving the island, but at a somewhat slower rate than expected. He remarried and settled in Los Angeles, determined to live his own life after more than a century of service to others. Isabella is considered a top archeology and history student, and is working on her PHD when she is visited by Mr. Linus, who discovers that the girl already holds some strange opinions about her father’s strange and cryptic past.
Sgt. Clementine “Jamie” Monroe: Is an FBI agent who is brought into the team for security purposes. It is later revealed that she is the daughter of James “Sawyer” Ford, with whom she was reunited after the return of Ajira 316. Sawyer and her “Uncle Miles” taught her everything she knows. Although deeply religious, she takes after her father when it comes to personality.
Ji Yeon Kwon: Would round out the cast of children, joining Aaron’s mission as a volunteer. Mr. Linus is initially reluctant to let her join the quest, because she is not on the list of individuals that Hurley instructed him to receive. However, upon learning of her heritage, he agrees to let her come along. She is on a personal mission to discover whatever became of her parents, Jin and Sun Kwon.
Terrence Spurrier: A European industrialist who blackmails his way into the mission, by connecting all the dots between Benjamin Linus, the Oceanic survivors, and the island. We discover that some of the same men who have been hunting Walt and Aaron and Kate Austen were financed by him. He later reveals himself to be none other than Wilhelm Hanso, the grandson of Alvar Hanso. His primary interest is in unearthing what became of the DHARMA initiative and holding Benjamin Linus accountable for all the people he murdered.
Characters (Returning)
Hugo “Hurley” Reyes: Has been the primary protector of the deserted island for more than twenty-five years. Largely, his time there has been uneventful, although he has returned to the temple and solved several revelations about the island with Ben’s help. For example, he discovers that the nameless Man in Black was not the first smoke monster. He also learns that the light at the heart of the island was not always as divine as others have insinuated. Indeed, the light seems capable of granting to all those who enter it their most profound wish. In the case of dark or evil desires (such as power and greed), the light has a way of consuming individuals and turning them into creatures of smoke.
- However, the light is susceptible to rules and these “rules” form the basis for this series.
- Hurley also delights in considering himself “like Yoda, stuck on Dagobah”.
Note: With regard to the dead souls trapped on the island, we discover that Hurley released many of them, including the spirit of Michael Dawson. Upon learning of Michael’s sacrifice on the freighter, as well as who awaits him in the afterlife (Libby), Hurley frees Michael.
Mr. Linus: Hurley’s personal and professional assistant/mentor. Since Hurley cannot leave the island, Mr. Linus travels on his behalf, amassing a considerable fortune through his front organization Mittelos Bioscience, as well as Hurley’s leftover lottery winnings, which Hurley no longer considers “cursed”.
Characters (New)
Dr. Murtaza “Taz” Qasim: An Egyptian and Muslim scholar who has discovered an ancient myth linked to documents salvaged from the library of Alexandria that connects archaic Egypt to the strange island. He has searched his whole life in vain for the island, believing it to be somewhere in the Mediterranean (where it was located eons ago when Egyptians discovered it and built the statue of Tawaret, which is also the name by which ancient Egyptians had referred to the island in lost scriptures). He comments in his notes that it is almost as if the island were moving—not knowing how correct he is about the theory. When he is offered an opportunity by Mr. Linus to study the island firsthand, he leaps at the opportunity.
Dr. Jasmin Gupta: An Indian Hindu living in London, she is brought onto the mission as its primary religious scholar. Malik is selected also because of her language skills, which include fluent English, German, Arabic, Hindi, and ancient Latin. She is widely considered a genius in her field and has been published in numerous magazines and scholarly journals.
Alo: Known almost exclusively as “Alo”, which is a Hopi word for “spiritual guide”, this Native American serves as the only medium among the crew. The intellectuals on the mission would mock his so-called ability if they weren’t so damned afraid of him. Little do they know that he does more than communicate with ghosts—he is also running from them.
Peter Noble: The captain of the freighter which takes them all back to the island.
Plot
We discover that Hurley was brought to the island, not only as a candidate to replace Jacob, but because of his lifelong encounters with the strange series of numbers (4,8,15,16,23,42). He determines that the numbers have many meanings across the island.
- They denote a number attached to each of the six wells on the island. The wells indicate the six most concentrated energy pockets on the island and the number of years in between “high volatility interims”. For instance, the Swan Station was built on top of “The Four-Year Well”, otherwise known as the most erratic of the electromagnetism pockets across the island. The wells were constructed as venting mechanisms for the island’s energy, based on yearly cycles:
Well #1: 4 Years
Well #2: 8 Years
Well #3 and 4: Alternating 15 and 16 year cycles
Well #5: 23 Years
Well #6: 42 Years
- The Swan Station’s construction, however, left “The Four-Year Well” even more chaotic. This is why they initiated a containment protocol to vent its energy more frequently and prevent a meltdown on a global scale.
- The numbers can also be read as 4,815,162,342 seconds, which Hurley and Ben pinpoint as being roughly 153 years, as they lack a frame of reference to determine precisely when the second-based countdown began. These seconds countdown to a specific event that takes place on the island every 153 years—one that is referenced inside the temple and appears to have been recurring through much of the island’s history.
Mr. Linus begins assembling a team to return to the island in anticipation of the event’s next arrival. In keeping with what made “Lost” so spectacular, it is essential that this team be a culturally and religiously diverse team. They will arrive at the island via a new freighter, and we discover that Walt has not stepped foot on an airplane since leaving the island.
The Event
- As they soon discover, the event is an episode that occurs every 153 years in which the island is catapulted backwards hundreds and hundreds of years to its origins. However, this event requires so much electromagnetic energy that it threatens to unleash immense energy signatures throughout the world. Preventing this “leech effect” is one of the main reasons for assembling the team. Jacob lived through at least 2 of these cycles, but the impact of the energy leech was less eventful due to the lack of global industrialization and technology.
- Unfortunately, they are unsuccessful and the island leaps back in time, while also sending electromagnetic shockwaves around the world that cause havoc for several major cities… (more on this in just a bit)
History of the Island
- In the past, we discover that the island is inhabited by a tribe of people who mostly came there while fleeing religious persecution. Some arrived by boat, some were stranded at sea and swam there, while others wandered onto the island, indicating that it had been attached to land for certain brief periods. All of these “natives” believe that they, too, were brought to the island for a purpose and echo some of the very same sentiments addressed in “Lost” that the island serves as an eternal battleground between good and evil. Before delving deeper into the nature of these inhabitants, however, it is important to address a few other important matters.
The Light and The Smoke Monsters: As we discovered in “Lost”, there is a mysterious light at the heart of the island—one which exerts a particular electromagnetic signature akin to nothing else on Earth, and one which has been devoutly defended by chosen protectors since ancient times. This light is less divine, however, than some have been led to believe. In truth, the light corresponds with an idea pervasive in the early seasons of “Lost”—that the island sometimes grants to its inhabitants those things which their hearts most desire. The light is the mechanism through which this takes place.
- For those who are worthy and noble, the light grants those “chosen” that one desire.
- For those who are deemed of evil and selfish character, the light traps them within a dark and corrupted stream of ash and smoke which serves as the lens for them to examine (and be tortured by) their own vile nature, as well as the character of those whom the smoke encounters. These “reflections” sometimes appear as flashes within the smoke itself and smoke monsters are often driven to seek out those who they can easily manipulate (John Locke, Ben Linus) or those who could potentially be turned into smoke monsters, also (Mr. Eko, before his spiritual redemption). The Man in Black was one of these smoke monsters but he was far from the first. Indeed, there have been moments in time when several smoke monsters roamed the island at once.
- The light is nigh infallible, however, and if a smoke monster were to leave the island, it would nullify the light’s offerings and corrupt it forever. Fortunately, when Jack Shepherd was consumed by the light, his sacrifice served to reinforce the mechanisms that would imprison any future smoke monsters. Note: The protectors of the island, chosen to protect the light at its heart, serve the purpose of keeping away all those who may be corrupted into smoke monsters in the future.
History of the Island (Cont.): For the island’s natives, the 153-year cycle is less precise. Sometimes the cycle’s duration amounts to only weeks or months. At other times, the cycle is experienced as a year or several years (but never more than the longest cycle of four-years). The reasons for this are complicated. Eventually, the original inhabitants discovered the light and began to suspect its abilities. What they could not guess, however, was what it would do to the corrupted among them. Soon, they were bombarded with smoke monsters who would assume the guises of their dead and terrorize them without end.
Indeed, the only means by which they could impeded the smoke monsters was to scatter the ashes of their dead through the jungle—forming an impassable partition through the middle of the island that would protect the light and the natives from the smoke creatures.
One worthy native, whose name was John, went into the cave and entered into the light source wishing for an end to the smoke monsters. The light source replied to him in an ethereal voice that he could hear only his mind. His wish to end the smoke monsters could not be fulfilled, however, because the smoke monsters were deemed necessary punishments for the sins of trespassers into the light. He would discover, also, that one must be willing to claim his own life in order to have his wish desired—in order to prove that it is his innermost want. John stabbed himself in the chest and wished once more that an answer might come to his people, in time.
As a result, the island returns to roughly that point in time every 153 years along with anyone trapped on the island during each cycle, in hopes that future inhabitants of the island may have solved the smoke monster dilemma. Even Jacob met with these inhabitants once long ago, although only briefly and he never saw them again once they discovered he had no solution for their dilemma.
Thus, Jack Shepherd is the first person to ever successfully kill a smoke monster and Hurley was a witness to how he did it. However, Hurley and Benjamin Linus do not know that this is why the island has been traveling backwards in time intermittently in specific cycles. They are only aware that the island will travel back in time and that messing with the wheel embedded into the source will cause this time travel mechanism to skip. Thus, the team is assembled primarily with the hope that they may be able to learn more about the island’s past. They have no idea the scope of the adventure they are about to endure.
By the time that the mission team arrives, the natives they encounter already speak Latin and English, having learned it from the time travelers they have encountered in their quest to defeat “The Smoke”. There are some who still speak their native tongues, also, but Latin and English is fairly common among them. This explains why the woman who murdered Jacob and MIB’s mother already spoke both languages fluent. In a way, these two languages come to embody a sort of code amongst keepers of the island—a rite of passage.
While in the past, the mission team learns untold secrets about the island and helps the natives combat the smoke monsters isolated on the other half of the island. When they return, however, they are met with the realization that they were unable to prevent the “electromagnetic leech effect” and that several major cities around the world were directly affected by their failure. Suddenly, many nations around the world—including some with nefarious purposes—are able to pinpoint the island’s location, just as Penny and Charles Widmore’s teams had. The wheel finally breaks and the people on the island are left knowing that governments and media from around the world are coming for them. Hurley feels like he has failed as the island’s protector, but Ben assures him that they’ll be ready.
With Regard to “The End”
It is also Hurley who elaborates on Jack Shepherd’s experience in the pool of light located in the heart of the island. In the 25 years that Hurley spends on the island, he reveals that he has the unexpected opportunity to speak with Jack’s ghost. We discover that Hurley and Ben eventually found Jack’s body and buried him on that exact spot in the bamboo grove. When Walt asks whatever became of his dog, Vincent, Hurley reveals that their favorite pet lived for five more years after the events depicted in “The End” before also dying peacefully beside Jack’s grave.
- During the conversation with Jack, the ghost reveals to Hurley that the island spoke to him while he was in the light (the same voice that had spoken to the mysterious John, eons earlier). It vowed to fulfill Jack’s innermost desire, although he won’t say what it is. This desire, typical of Jack, was to save everyone he had lost—to create a place where none of the unspeakable things that took place on the island ever occurred. However, Jack confesses that he has not yet made it to that “place”. He is waiting for all the others to arrive first.
- At some point, we would bear witness to Richard Alpert’s death. He would suddenly awaken in a Spanish pasture, looking the way he did all those years on the island. When he opens his eyes, there is a horse standing over him. He smiles and climbs onto its back. The stallion quickly races through the field and over the hillsides, until it arrives at a tiny cottage overlooking cliffs and the sea, where Isabella (his wife) is there waiting for him.
How “The Island” Would Begin
• In the opening sequence, we see a man running in a terrified frenzy through the jungle—a fairly typical “Lost” setup. As the camera pans up, we find that it is an African-American man who looks to be in his mid-30s. Soon, we hear the familiar roar of the island’s “monster” bulldozing the trees behind him as the chase takes the unnamed human past a familiar shoe dangling in the jungle, through a shallow stream, and back into the trees. Suddenly, we see what is chasing him—three violent clouds of smoke are winding their ways through the jungle at his back, closing in on him quickly. In an instant, their shadows engulf him.
• In an instant, we glimpse a close-up of the man’s eye blinking. He is now in a luxurious hotel room, awakening in a bedroom and looking around—seemingly unfamiliar with his surroundings. As he leaves the bed, he wanders around the room and inspects the many amenities that the hotel affords. He is not accustomed to the high-life and can’t help but smile at the absurdity of what fortune his adulthood has granted him. Next, he is well-dressed and ducking into a limousine on his way to a book-release at the largest bookstore in the city.
• He is introduced as author Walter Lloyd by a woman on a loudspeaker as he sits behind a table surrounded by fans of his series—“Losties”. They ask him such questions as “Why polar bears?” and “How is it that the character Bentham can suddenly walk on the island?” and “Is any of this really going anywhere??” Walt answers their questions with a kind but allusive smile, while signing their autographs.
• Soon, he is confronted by a strange man in a business suit who dangles a microphone in front of Walt’s face. He is interrogated about his role in the crash of Oceanic 815 and asked to corroborate his story one last time with the testimonies of “The Oceanic Six” years earlier. This frustrates Walt, but he (just barely) manages to keep his cool. Soon, the man is asked to leave.
(Elsewhere)
• A blonde man of about 28 years is dressing himself in a suit and tie in front of a mirror. He combs his hair and there is deep sadness in his stare. Before long, there is a knock on his door and Claire Littleton (his mother) is welcomed into the room. She addresses him as Aaron and asks if he is ready. Silently, he nods and they exit.
• They are in a car in Los Angeles and we gather that they are driving to a funeral. Claire attempts to cheer Aaron up by asking him how he did on a recent med-school test. He “aced it” even though he barely studied, being too preoccupied with the matter of the death of the person to whose funeral they are in transit. Claire tells him that his uncle would be proud. This does little to cheer him up as he never knew his uncle.
• When they arrive at the funeral, we discover that it is for none other than Kate Austen, who died young from breast cancer. The irony that Kate would die of such a disease after all the times she dodged death on the island is written only in Claire Littleton’s face. Aaron stands beside the casket and there is the faint glisten of a tear in his eye as he weeps for his “other mother”. We learn that Claire and Kate helped raise him together and the three were very close.
• As they stand there, they both recall how happy she was when she died. Her face had glowed with contentment for the first time in months.
• Later, several men arrive who Aaron does not recognize. One seems more shaken by Kate Austen’s death than the others and Aaron confronts him. He introduces himself as James and remarks on how much “the Gerber baby” grew up, but leaves shortly thereafter with Miles Straume. Desmond Hume is also in attendance for the funeral.
• Finally, Benjamin Linus enters, although he stays near the back of the room so that none of the others would see him. Unlike them, he has not aged a single day.
...That's as far as I got with planning the first episode. It's not like I'm writing the thing...yet. But that's my pitch in a nutshell. Holy Balls, how long was that? I feel like I just blacked out for the last hour. God knows if any of it even makes sense. Anyway, enjoy, Bloggers, and let me know how far I missed the mark. I'm sure some of you will anyway. But at least I'm offering answers to some of your questions about the island, which is more than "Lost" did at the end of the day. In the meantime, I'll hope that one day this version of the story is told at length. How would you all continue the series? (I'm aware that as I'm posing this question, I only have one follower, but hopefully more of you will show up in response to this). How about it?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thoughts on the finale of "Lost"
I love it when Hollywood makes the sequel first...
"Lost" ended last night and I'm pleased to see that the powers behind it were smart enough to reestablish a simple truth that has been central since Season One: "Lost" is about the characters, not the island. After all, they're the ones who are "Lost"; not the island. That said, WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH THAT ISLAND? I guess now we'll never know. J.J. Abrams sure as hell didn't have a clue. The guys who he left in charge of the island couldn't figure it out. At the end of the day, the island is as it always was: An enigma, and a damn fine one.
I'll be honest. I was hoping for a flawless and focused wrap up akin to "Battlestar Galactica", which fobbled only gently while delivering a very powerful and satisfying conclusion that tied up most of its strings. Unfortunately, "Lost" has more holes in it than the Battlestar herself by the time the dust finally settled in that conclusion. Despite what people may think or believe, "Lost" has more contradictions, half-truths, ambiguities, and just plain moments of gibberish than the Bible itself (sorry, Christian Shepherds, but it's true). Fortunately, "The End" is told so well and the performances are so spot on (how anyone else on television could muster an Emmy nod next year will be beyond me; "Lost" should sweep all its respective categories IMHO) that all its faults are outweighed by the tremendous and emotional ride we have taken these past six years.
I don't need to recap it. If for some reason you're reading this (which means you're reading my blog...weird) and you give a shit enough that you're STILL reading this, then you've probably seen the episode. Maybe you're not the "Lost" fan, I am, but you're probably informed enough. Rather than rehashing this episode, however, all I will say is that coming into Season 6, I thought "Lost" was just about perfect. Season 6 proved me wrong. I will probably always hold it as the weakest of the series behind the snoozefest that was most of Season 3, and yet I was no less captivated. Season 6 intrigued me but seldom blew me away and left me more frustrated than any other season (read: "Across the Sea"). It highlighted the series' most common flaws, including that, at the end of the day, "Lost" has never been able to directly answer almost anything about the island's core mysteries.
"The End" did not disappoint. At least not entirely.
If Lost's finale were truly judged on its ability to answer some of the island's key mysteries (the statue, the smoke monster, the lighthouse, the donkey wheel, etc.) it probably pissed off a ton of people. The statue still has no history (would it have mattered if it did, though)? We still have no real idea why the hell the smoke monster was so damn scary or what exactly it was in the first place (if Jack hadn't killed it, would the afterlife for the survivors really have been comprimised and, if so, why?). We don't know who built the lighthouse, how Jacob came to operate it, or ditto about the temple. The donkey wheel continues to be about the strangest part of the series, and God only knows how anybody (Ben or Locke) had any clue as to how that thing would work. I could throw theories at you on any of these matters, based on the episodes in which they are referenced but "Lost" never told you upfront. We are still left very ignorant about the history of the island itself, how it operated, or what the hell electromagnetism really has to do with anything.
(Breath.)
What we do know is that everyone, with the exception of any black, male actor on the show (think about it...no Mr. Eko, no Michael, no Walt, no Matthew Abbadon in the finale) found his or her happy ending in the end. I wasn't very happy with the resurrection of the Sayid/Shannon love arc considering all the emphasis that "Lost" has placed throughout the years on Nadia being Sayid's TRUE love, but many of the characters were closed out perfectly. With regard to Sayid, I guess I have to look at his ending in the context of an afterlife. I think his perfect world would have been being surrounded by those people he loved most. In losing Nadia and being with Shannon, he gained Nadia, as well as his brother, who had both perished. In the end, all those whom he loved most were restored. Bliss.
This leads me to my primary gripe about the finale. Although the episode clocked in at 2 1/2 hours, I could have used about 15 minutes more to show that life on the island actually meant something. There were survivors! It would have been nice to have seen some reference to what happened to those who survived life on the island (Ben, Hurley, Desmond, Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Miles, Frank, and Richard). We never got to see Claire reunited with Aaron in the real world. We never got to see Desmond and Penny finally get to raise Baby Charlie. We never got to see Kate and Sawyer awkwardly realize that they outlived Jack and Juliet and remember their jungle passion. Nor did we even get to see Richard as an older man with longer hair arriving at his own paradise somewhere on a Spanish villa to be reunited with his lost love.
Betting the whole island on the flash sideways without some of this linear timeline closure kinda left a bad taste. However, there's your material for sequels and movies. For example, what's gonna happen when some wacky scientist builds a dinosaur themepark on the island with, get this...REAL FUCKING DINOSAURS! Suck on it, Smoke Monster.
Ultimately, the finale's success rested on the actors' shoulders and Matthew Fox, for me, has cemented his Emmy award for best actor. I don't think it can be argued that he turned in his best work this season. He sold the evolution of the show's protagonist and I felt like Fox had been hitting the same notes for a while when it came to Jack. In Season 6, though, the character was almost completely reinvented and I can't name the number of scenes that Fox absolutely nailed. Breaking down on the beach after the submarine sank? Gold. The long-awaited reunion with his father at the closing of the series? The fabric of dreams, my friends. Even Jorge Garcia pushed Hurley to the edge of what we'd come to expect of his character, and Terry O'Quinn explored everything that was best about two different characters throughout the series. Honest to God, there should be no less than five or six acting nominations come out of this season alone, which I find ironic given my mixed emotions about the substance of the final season.
Those are my thoughts for now. I'm sure I'll be back with more opinions as I digest the conclusion. Hopefully it will be a while before we're met with the inevitable "Lost: The Next Generation" or a Lost motion picture. Still, I'm left satisfied while also wanting more. A year from now, I think it's finally going to hit me that this epic series is actually over.
"Iron Man 2" Review
It's a "Man" and he's "Ironing". Get it?
Before I even begin my official review, I would like to take a second to address the scores of reviews I've already ready by people who make more money watching movies than I could ever dream of making. Most of them aren't even good at it. Most of them don't even seem to enjoy movies. They just landed the gig of a lifetime and that's that. I can deal. But I'm absolutely baffled by the negativity surrounding "Iron Man 2". Sure it's rocking a 71% right now on the Tomatometer, but I've seen reviews as low as 1 to 2 1/2 stars. Simply put, "Iron Man 2" is better than that. It's not perfect, but only because it strives to be. At times, the film seems to want it too much.
I saw the movie alone this afternoon. I knew my Marvel experience was going to be complete when The Blob from "X-Men" sat right in front of me. I almost geeked out, until I realized it was just a morbidly obese Kentuckian. Anyhoo, I wallowed in the cryptic goodness of the "Super 8" trailer and got goosebumps listening to Tony Stark's final and revealing press conference from the end of the first film, this time played over the Marvel logo and the introductory credits. The real trick, however, is that the press announcement is being watched by a shadowy Russian, one who loathes the Stark empire, amidst his father's death in a Moscow slum. Half-empty vodka bottles abound. There is a grime on everything in the room (except the bird) that seems born of Ivan Vanko's hatred itself.
Thus, I'll begin with my only real problem with the film, as this introductory exposition of the film's main protagonist perfectly illustrates it: The movie's pacing. There is so much crammed into "Iron Man 2" that the audience is given no time to savor any of the beauty and intrigue that Favreau and his team cracked up, and let me tell you there are Easter Eggs all over this puppy (Cap's shield!). Ivan Vanko's story feels rushed. Every conversation between Tony and Pepper is snappy, sharp, but over much too soon; there's chemistry there that pops with so much hurry that I couldn't help but feel, during every dialogue between them, that they were rushing to something more important or fun just around the corner. Scenes with Tony reminiscing about his father seem to be missing just a second or two in their dramatic rhythm that would have really helped us key in on Tony's attitude regarding his self-destructive behavior. The movie seems so eager to show us what is has in store next, that the audience is left to keep up at the expense of savoring every bite; kinda like the way Americans eat food.
At the end, we wonder why "Wait, it's all gone?"
Also, the scenes with Samuel L. Jackson, while setting up cool foreshadowing of "The Avengers" lack a bit more context that would really give Nick Fury and his intentions some weight. In a movie where we are led to believe that Iron Man has this crumbling monopoly on world peace exploited by a few punk terrorists and scientific geniuses with a lush for wealth and crime, we never quite understand why Nick Fury needs Iron Man. We never quite understand why Nick Fury needs this "team" he's setting off to accrue. There is no sense of impending danger to match Fury's calls for a superhuman all-star squad. And then there's Black Widow, who is hot and awesome in her one action scene, but feels sort of like an afterthought tacked on just to show how smoking Scarlett Johannson looked in her costume.
Unfortunately, Scarlett in "G.I. Joe" was still hotter.
I mean, let's step back from "Iron Man 2" and you'll see just how jam-packed it really is. You've got Justin Hammer, Whiplash/Crimson Dynamo, Tony's alcoholism, Tony's self-destruction, the Pepper Potts romantic interest, War Machine, Hammer Drones, The Stark Expo, Black Widow, Nick Fury, Avengers References, the whole thing with Senator Gary Shandling, and somehow tons of great character development still ties it all together along with some memorable set pieces, the usual snappy one-liners, some first-rate storytelling, and a unique comic book world in which Robert Downey Jr. lords over all creation it seems. Simply put, it really is too much at times.
In "Iron Man 3", I would like to see them scale back a bit and focus on one nemesis (The Mandarin) and delve more in Tony Stark's demons, a'la "The Dark Knight". This shouldn't be too difficult, seeing as how "The Avengers" will have been gearing up by the time of its release and "IM3" won't need to be yet another exhibition vehicle for that story arc. Cutting Nick Fury, the Avengers references, and teasers will lean up this franchise tremendously and in a number of important ways. Hopefully, the Mandarin will be portrayed by an actor of tremendous integrity (speaking of which, has a Chinese actor ever been nominated for an Oscar?) and John Favreau will learn how to close a movie between now and 2012.
In other words, "Iron Man 2" would have been better if we'd gotten to see more of Michey Rourke's and Sam Rockwell's superb co-villainy and "Iron Man 3" better not end with the Mandarin inventing some kind of larger, angrier-looking suit in which to combat Iron Man.
All said, I'd give "Iron Man 2" about 3 1/2 out of 5 stars, and 4 stars on the "fun"ometer.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"Saturday Night Live" Revived: A List of Hosts So Brilliant I Would Actually Watch "SNL" to See Them
Like an obese friend who swears "Oh, yeah...I could totally run a 5K" or that borderline alcoholic chum who promises that he won't be drinking at tonight's party of the year, telling anyone that you plan to watch all 90 minutes of "Saturday Night Live" these days may very well be biting off more than you can chew. Unless you're simply a compulsive sadist (and I know that some of you are), sitting through four MacGruber sketches, any of the fifteen eerily-similar Kristen Wiig characters, and virtually any skit that involves the loveable but mostly unamusing Kenan Thompson is enough to make more than a few people opt to watch "The Human Centipede" rather than "SNL".
Sure the show has had highlights in recent years: Tina Fey's dead-on Sarah Palin impression. Will Ferrell's immortal George W. Bush. Roughly one in five "Digital Shorts" are actually pretty funny. But, in general, the show no longer seems to try the way it once did. Premises and characters are constantly recycled, regardless of how many chuckles they elicited the first time (read: "Target Lady", "Gilly", "Hota and Kathie Lee", "What Up With That?", "The Lawrence Welk Show", etc.), and seldom do the actors even seem to bother learning their lines or even determining exactly how they plan to make the sketch memorable. A painful lack of the show's classic originality and genuine social/entertainment observations only round out the show's 21st Century decline. On the plus side, "SNL" has hit rock-bottom before and I hope that there will always be a future for the show.
Accordingly, I was perusing the "Internets" and found several lists of "Dream Hosts" that a few bloggers hoped would rejuvenate Saturday Night Live. Most of them were just plain awful. For example, one guy listed "Benjamin Franklin", as if it would be a good idea to take one of history's most reputable statesmen and quick wits and subject him to the hit-and-miss labors of sketch comedy. Another person listed "Katt Williams" as their NUMBER ONE pick for stars who need to host SNL. Against the vast wealth of thespians and comedians from which to choose, this person chose the veritable offspring of D.L. Hughley and Lil' Wayne. I'm not saying Katt Williams doesn't make me chuckle on occasion, but THAT'S YOUR NUMBER ONE?? But I digress.
The following...is my dream list.
15. Johnny Depp - Would probably be a bit of a heavyweight for the current cast of the show, but then the same could be said of almost everyone on my list. As much as I would love to see Depp host, I simply cannot imagine it. What kind of sketch would they put him in, aside from the inevitable "Pirates" rip-off? I'd love to see him host, but only if he was allowed to pick the musical act that accompanies him, as well.
14. Sam Rockwell - This seems like a more feasible pick. Rockwell's proven his range in everything from "Choke" to "Moon" and "Iron Man 2", as well as his comedy chops in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and "Galaxy Quest". He's a real talent. Too good to waste on "SNL", in fact, but I'd still watch it. Sounds like he'd be a good guest for "Laser Cats: Part 11", or whatever the hell they're on.
13. John Cusack - His sister was on the show, but I was surprised to discover that Mr. Cusack has never hosted. I imagine that, like all John Cusack films, any episode he hosted would be "So-so, but John Cusack was good in it". Seems appropriate for Saturday Night Live.
12. Cloris Leachman - Forget Betty White. This is the host I'd suffer 90 minutes of "SNL" to see, but only if she gets to host with "Bone Thugs N Harmony".
11. David Beckham & Brett Favre - Doing double-duty. I imagine they would host at least once and then swear never to do it again, only to host the following season. Also, Beckham would sprain his ankle halfway through the show...and choke on the final sketch.
10. Samuel L. Jackson - The man only hosted once in 1998 with Ben Folds Five. That should tell you just how long it's been. The song "Brick" was a chart-topper. Also, Samuel L. Jackson had yet to complete some of his best work to date, including "Snakes on a Plane" and "Deep Blue Sea". How can you not make a good episode out of a universally-beloved star who is practically a caricature of himself??
9. John Cleese - Eric Idle and Michael Palin were regular hosts back in "SNL"'s early years, but John Cleese never made more than a cameo somewhere in the 90s, at least to my knowledge. He's not exactly in prime form nowadays, but I'd still love to see him pop in for a night.
8. Leonardo DiCaprio - Here's someone who has plenty of room to laugh at himself, while also being a hugely talented actor. Say what you will, you know it's true.
7. Philip Seymour Hoffman - Seems like a no-brainer. The man can do anything.
6. Harrison Ford - As bad as "Saturday Night Live" is, it would still be among the most watchable things Harrison Ford has been a part of in years. He seems a bit grumbly now in his old years, but it blows my mind that he never hosted. I'm not sure he has a penchant for comedy, but it would still be nice to see him take a swing at "SNL" to promote "Cowboys and Aliens". At the very least, I would watch it just for how surreal it would be to see him host.
5. Brad PItt - Again, seems like a no brainer. Brad Pitt can be absolutely hilarious (read: "Inglourious Basterds") and he has no trouble being the butt of a joke. If "Saturday Night Live" had better writers, I'd rank this potential host even higher.
4. Meryl Streep - By herself. Lose the rest of the cast for a night. I want Meryl Streep and only Meryl Streep carrying the entire show. With musical guest: Seal...played by Meryl Streep (WHAT?!?).
3. Christoph Waltz - This must happen.
2. Stephen Colbert - A consistent contributor to the show for years, it's time he finally got his due. This is among the few hosts who simply could not be unfunny, regardless of the material.
1. Robert Downey Jr. - Okay, I know he already hosted in 1996 with Fiona Apple, but here's another example (like Samuel L. Jackson...hey! He was Nick Fury!) of someone whose musical guest accompaniment should tell you just how long it's been since he last took the stage at "SNL". Since Robert Downey Jr. hosted, he has been busted and arrested for drugs countless times, served a year in prison, made a couple of botched attempts to save his career, been widely frowned upon by the entire country, released a poorly-received musical album (look it up if you don't believe me), and climbed forth from the refuse of his own mistakes to become one of the world's most beloved leading men. He has been perfect in two "Iron Man" films and earned an Oscar nod for "Tropic Thunder", a movie that didn't exactly scream Oscar contender at the time of its relase. If "Saturday Night Live" is to be revived, who better than a former SNL alum and someone who has finally revived his own career and become a veritable superstar? This one just makes sense.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin
http://www.restorestephenbaldwin.org/
I couldn't make this up. Why would I even want to make this up? So, apparently Christians love a comeback story (who doesn't, right?) and a particular group of them has decided to invest all its money and faith in seeing Stephen Baldwin return to where he belongs: Playing third fiddle behind brothers Alec and Adam, who at least has stayed busy with two successful cult TV shows in "Chuck" and "Firefly".
Stephen has been through his share of rough times. I get that. I don't care if he's found peace in God, Jehovah, or even the Book of Mormon; as long as he's truly dedicating himself to being a better human being and reforming some semblance of a career, that is something we can all support. However, to establish a website and a foundation built around raising loads of money for him, simply to lift him up and rub it in the faces of every rational person who ever doubted him, is damn nigh to Scientology. That's not God at work. That's simply piggybacking off of a Baldwin's past success in hopes of using it to exploit the gullability of the naive.
I'll only be convinced that a miracle of heavenly proportions has taken place if, at the end of all of this, the "saved" Stephen Baldwin can suddenly act. I mean, it's pretty damn pitiful when you're only the second most successful person to come out of the show "The Young Riders" (Josh Brolin being the first, and don't even try to argue that with me, regardless of how "Jonah Hex" does). All in all, we're talking about a man whose career can be best summarized by a CSI cameo, several terrible action/sci-fi romps, and a respectable supporting role in "The Usual Suspects".
Let's say that tomorrow Lindsay Lohan gets her shit together and stops blaming everyone but herself for all her trouble. Even if I were a Christian, that doesn't mean I'm going to rush out and suddenly buy the deluxe, three-disc special edition of "Mean Girls" or revisit her short-lived pop career (more like "popped" career...sorry to burst your bubble). Being a Christian doesn't mean that one cannot have taste. I would applaud Stephen Baldwin for his newfound conviction to better himself, but I'm not going to throw money at him and call his "restoration" proof of God's divine plan. The thought of a supreme entity being operating through those kinds of channels is simply too terrifying for me to comprehend.
Besides, I'd rather throw money at Robert Downey Jr.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Why I left Facebook
Just over six years ago (Geez, has it really already been six??), college students around the country began flocking to a social-networking website that would redefine the phrase called "Facebook". Old friends were rediscovered, new friendships blossomed, and relationship hearts either swelled, cracked, or became complicated, depending on one's romantic situation. A utopian virtual world straight out of "Tron" was forged and the beauty was in its simplicity; one was only a boring afternoon away from setting up a profile, friending a bunch of old acquaintances, and listing Dave Matthews Band (Read: "Dave") or Jack Johnson (Read: "Jack") under favorite music from being an official Facebook user.
Then things took an unexpected turn.
The first few years were relatively harmless. Sure, a few of us became a little overzealous with our pursuit of "friends". We "friended" people who were in no way even remotely qualified for holding such a title; after all "friend" is a concept defined explicitly and solely by every single individual of modern humanity who has ever lived. But certainly no harm could come from broadening the definition of a word associated with so many good tidings and blessings. Who is he who is not mine enemy, but a friend? And the process of taking on so many "friends" did wonders for one's sense of popularity (this writer definitely became an addict to it). Thus, Facebook grew and with this expanion, businessmen realized that there was a not inconsiderable amount of money to be made through social-networking.
As Facebook expanded, Facebook saw fit to convince its users that Facebook was their most important "friend" of all. Indeed, Facebook itself would become the one friend shared by each and every user and oh, tits, what a friend. Why, who else among your friends has the capacity to entertain you literally until Rapture? Mafia Wars. Farmville. These were among the first "apps" to begin reeling people deeper into the mire of this digital universe. Time spent on Facebook and interacting with these different applications and competing with your different "friends" became the most important investment through which the site would flourish. Unfortunately, time is something that most people love to spend but not something that people like to feel like they have wasted (even when they do). Some of us have been expanding and elaborating our Facebook profiles for nearly six years. To leave Facebook would be to forfeit this commitment.
And this has defined Facebook's ideology since its creation. In order for Facebook to survive, it has to adapt to changing social trends and constantly redefine itself. It needs more and more users and it needs them to connect in ways that will benefit its commercial partners and obligations. Like a parasite, it feeds on your time and your submissive ideology that you need Facebook. In fact, the opposite is true. Facebook needs you; it just doesn't want you to realize that.
Let's look at the pros, first. It is possible to do virtually anything on Facebook. It is possible to entertain absolutely any interest or fancy that would could possibly have, whether it be "liking" a favorite TV show or movie (no matter how obscure) or following a favorite celebrity. However, the same can be said of the Internet itself. There is nothing that you can find on Facebook that you cannot find in literally one-hundred other places. Secondly, Facebook is truly a groundbreaking way to reconnect with people you knew years earlier that you may have lost contact with. This is where I would address the people who have been using the website for five to six years, as I have. By this point, you have already reached out to those people who were most important to you! Take an afternoon and save all their contact information so that you can get in touch with them whenever you want and LEAVE FACEBOOK. You can always log back in absolutely whenever you might want to reactivate your account and look into whether or not their information may have changed.
I could go on and on, of course, but there's little point. Facebook does have tons of cool stuff. It kept me as an avid, though not obsessive, user for more than half a decade. Approximately a fourth of my life by my estimate. However, it is the tone of Facebook after its several years of evolution that has driven me away. I hope others will follow my lead and abandon their profiles, as well, if only for a little while.
Facebook offers a service that any other tool or device of its kind can provide. It knows this. That is why it caters and panders to you like the slimiest used-car salesman picking on the dimmest customer in the lot. Every day, it invades some aspect of your online privacy (let's face it; no matter how carefully you adjust your settings). It tries to tell you who your friends should be and all the while seems bent on further corrupting your definition of the term. Most of your "friends" are simply not your friends, people; some of them don't even like you (I, for one, had begun to cease to even like myself). Facebook used to be a place where college students could convene and keep in touch with each other; something intended to make college orientation less painful. Today, Facebook is constantly peeking over your shoulder and telling you what you should be doing, who you should be friending, even what you should be buying, and recently who you should be voting/not voting for.
Hence, the classic Apple advertisement above of a woman about to throw a hammer through the face of Big Brother, which seems all too ironic now given the smug social persona that Apple has adopted in recent years (go to any Apple store and you will see what I mean).
Facebook does not want you to realize how much it needs you. It needs to divert your attention from the fact that you can easily do without it. You can easily show your allegiance to any of your most earnest causes in a million other places without joining a Facebook group. You can easily e-mail a friend through G-mail and a million other free Internet mail-providers rather than using Facebook messaging. You can even Twitter (I can't believe I'm endorsing Twitter) if you absolutely have to know what all of your friends are doing 24/7 and need to let them know that you are "L'ing ur AO". Some of you are fortunate enough to barely use Facebook as it is. So I ask you, consider the reasons for why you do use it and ponder the steps you would have to take to eliminate them. Concerned about keeping in touch? Start an address book and ask each person for everything you need from them. They'll probably be flattered that you actually care enough about them to want to ensure you stay in touch. Bored all the time? Well, Facebook clearly is not the answer, but why not do a little exploring on your own? Every dilemma that Facebook wants you to think it can solve can be more adequately solved somewhere else.
Why did I leave Facebook? Because it has become a vehicle for hate groups around the world to broadcast their messages, free of accountability. It has become a forum for people with uninformed opinions to conceive that their voices somehow matter just as much as experts in their respective fields. It has become an obsessive tool of vanity and egoism to which I have not infrequently been susceptible and Facebook has worked tirelessly to convince me that I simply won't abandon it (The Gollum to my Smeagol...if you didn't get that watch "The Two Towers" scene where the two confront each other in a rather schizo exchange).
Have you ever tried to close your account? Go to your "Account Settings" and hit "Deactivate" just to experience how stupid Facebook believes you are. Come on, do it. You will be informed of four or five randomly generated "close friends" (one of mine which included an ex-girlfriend with whom I rarely even speak nowadays) who will "Miss You", while showing you pictures of yourself and them together. Seriously. Facebook literally wants you to believe that without it, all of your relationships are null and void. You have no friends except for those whom Facebook has given you and they're all just thrilled to still be on Facebook. You will also have to choose a reason (and you cannot exit Facebook without giving them a reason) for leaving from a list of predetermined problems. Upon clicking any bullet in this list, Facebook will then confront you with a prompt explaining how said problem was not actually Facebook's but yours for being too stupid to use the site properly.
I would recommend going to town on that "Other" option, so that you can tell them in your own words why you are leaving it. Don't worry; your account will automatically reactivate the next time you log in. Drink that in for a second. All you have to do is return to Facebook and do what you have always done in the past and your deactivation will be void. You don't even have to re-register. Facebook gets to hold onto all your information for you. In fact, Facebook is so confident that you won't stay off Facebook that they even tell you they'll "see you soon" once you shut down your account.
Mark my words: You can do it. Some of you won't, of course, and that's fine. If Facebook is truly what makes you happy then stay on Facebook. That would be a shallow existence for me, but if it works for you then that is your right. But there are some of you who could easily leave Facebook with little difficulty and I think you'll be shocked just how minutely it impacts your life. You can even ween yourself off by making Wednesday's Facebook Day or something, but I can't even imagine what would happen if everyone made up their minds to simply deactivate their profiles for a month. Let's say August 2010. I think we would be startled to see how much extra time we suddenly have and maybe...just maybe...Facebook would belong to us again, if we even still want it.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Sean Chandler Top 100 Films
Here's a hint..."The Sixth Sense" is not one of them. Also, I imagine that there are literally tons of great films I left off this list. They have not been included because I have yet to see them (I will eventually), but Homey don't play dat. When I get around to them, they might be added but, in the mean time, here's my list. Many of them are noticeably recent. Strangely, within the last 24 years...
The Sean Chandler TOP 100
1. Schindler’s List
2. Casablanca
3. Citizen Kane
4. The Shawshank Redemption
5. Pulp Fiction
6. To Kill a Mockingbird
7. 2001: A Space Odyssey
8. No Country for Old Men
9. The Godfather
10. Slumdog Millionaire
11. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
12. Forrest Gump
13. Pan’s Labyrinth
14. Lawrence of Arabia
15. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
16. Spirited Away
17. Apocalypse Now
18. Saving Private Ryan
19. Raiders of the Lost Ark
20. Blade Runner
21. Fargo
22. Amadeus
23. Silence of the Lambs
24. A Clockwork Orange
25. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
26. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
27. Raging Bull
28. Gran Torino
29. The Motorcycle Diaries
30. Brazil
31. Rain Man
32. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
33. Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire
34. Braveheart
35. Water
36. The Exorcist
37. Gandhi
38. The English Patient
39. The Pianist
40. The French Connection
41. Bringing Out the Dead
42. Children of Men
43. Hotel Rwanda
44. M.A.S.H.
45. Shakespeare in Love
46. Magnolia
47. Full Metal Jacket
48. It’s a Wonderful Life
49. Close Encounters of the Third Kind
50. Chinatown
51. The Queen
52. Atonement
53. Life Is Beautiful
54. The Great Escape
55. Star Wars: A New Hope
56. Taxi Driver
57. Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
58. Mystic River
59. Easy Rider
60. Fight Club
61. The Aviator
62. The Princess Bride
63. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial
64. The Full Monty
65. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
66. Inglourious Basterds
67. Finding Nemo
68. Midnight Cowboy
69. Being John Malkovich
70. Up in the Air
71. Let the Right One In
72. The Lion King
73. Apocalypto
74. The Dark Knight
75. No Man’s Land
76. The Incredibles
77. The Hurt Locker
78. Die Hard
79. A Prophet
80. The Deer Hunter
81. Aliens
82. Se7en
83. Gods and Monsters
84. Eastern Promises
85. Frost/Nixon
86. Casino Royale
87. Brick
88. Kill Bill
89. Shaun of the Dead
90. Jaws
91. Lost in Translation
92. The Fisher King
93. Gattaca
94. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
95. Love Actually
96. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
97. Wall-E
98. Moulin Rouge
99. In Bruges
100. The Devil’s Backbone
The Sean Chandler TOP 100
1. Schindler’s List
2. Casablanca
3. Citizen Kane
4. The Shawshank Redemption
5. Pulp Fiction
6. To Kill a Mockingbird
7. 2001: A Space Odyssey
8. No Country for Old Men
9. The Godfather
10. Slumdog Millionaire
11. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
12. Forrest Gump
13. Pan’s Labyrinth
14. Lawrence of Arabia
15. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
16. Spirited Away
17. Apocalypse Now
18. Saving Private Ryan
19. Raiders of the Lost Ark
20. Blade Runner
21. Fargo
22. Amadeus
23. Silence of the Lambs
24. A Clockwork Orange
25. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
26. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
27. Raging Bull
28. Gran Torino
29. The Motorcycle Diaries
30. Brazil
31. Rain Man
32. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
33. Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire
34. Braveheart
35. Water
36. The Exorcist
37. Gandhi
38. The English Patient
39. The Pianist
40. The French Connection
41. Bringing Out the Dead
42. Children of Men
43. Hotel Rwanda
44. M.A.S.H.
45. Shakespeare in Love
46. Magnolia
47. Full Metal Jacket
48. It’s a Wonderful Life
49. Close Encounters of the Third Kind
50. Chinatown
51. The Queen
52. Atonement
53. Life Is Beautiful
54. The Great Escape
55. Star Wars: A New Hope
56. Taxi Driver
57. Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
58. Mystic River
59. Easy Rider
60. Fight Club
61. The Aviator
62. The Princess Bride
63. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial
64. The Full Monty
65. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
66. Inglourious Basterds
67. Finding Nemo
68. Midnight Cowboy
69. Being John Malkovich
70. Up in the Air
71. Let the Right One In
72. The Lion King
73. Apocalypto
74. The Dark Knight
75. No Man’s Land
76. The Incredibles
77. The Hurt Locker
78. Die Hard
79. A Prophet
80. The Deer Hunter
81. Aliens
82. Se7en
83. Gods and Monsters
84. Eastern Promises
85. Frost/Nixon
86. Casino Royale
87. Brick
88. Kill Bill
89. Shaun of the Dead
90. Jaws
91. Lost in Translation
92. The Fisher King
93. Gattaca
94. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
95. Love Actually
96. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
97. Wall-E
98. Moulin Rouge
99. In Bruges
100. The Devil’s Backbone
The White Buffalo Presents: Sean Chandler's 100 Worst Films of All Time
May God forgive me for reminding people of the following 100 atrocities against cinema. Don't look at the order as rankings so much as a list. "Battlefield Earth" is a legitimate contender for worst film of all time, but I would not go so far as to say that "Alone in the Dark" is really a superior film compared to "Swept Away" or "Gigli" to any quantifiable degree.
"They're all TERRIBLE!".
So, without further ado.
.
The Sean Chandler WORST 100 Films of All Time:
1. Battlefield Earth
2. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
3. The Hottie & the Nottie4. Glitter
5. Epic Movie
6. Swept Away
7. Gigli
8. Disaster Movie
9. I Know Who Killed Me
10. Troll 2
11. Howard the Duck
12. Meet the Spartans
13. Alone in the Dark
14. The Adventures of Pluto Nash
15. Freddy Got Fingered
16. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
17. House of the Dead
18. Bratz
19. Daddy Day Camp
20. Marcy X
21. The Creeping Terror
22. Leonard Part Six
23. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
24. Mac and Me
25. From Justin to Kelly
26. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
27. Master of Disguise
28. 3 Strikes
29. Plan 9 From Outer Space
30. Cabin Boy
31. Witless Protection
32. Jaws: The Revenge
33. Twisted
34. Kazaam
35. Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio
36. Wild, Wild West
37. The Guyver
38. Old Dogs
39. John Tucker Must Die
40. Cats and Dogs
41. Ishtar
42. Big Momma’s House 2
43. Norbit
44. Man-Thing
45. Street Fighter
46. Crossroads
47. Save the Last Dance
48. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
49. Are We There Yet
50. Wolf
51. End of Days
52. Dead Silence
53. The Happening
54. Catwoman
55. Monkeybone
56. Bring It On Again
57. Tomcats
58. Bless the Child
59. 88 Minutes
60. Kickin’ It Old School
61. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
62. House of Wax
63. Basic Instinct 2
64. Son of the Mask
65. One Missed Call
66. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
67. Rollerball
68. Batman and Robin
69. Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde (yes, “Ms.”)
70. Spider-Man 3
71. Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
72. Aeon Flux
73. Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
74. The Pacifier
75. Dumb and Dumberer
76. Reindeer Games
77. Labor Pains
78. Captain America (1990)
79. Superman IV
80. Envy
81. The Avengers (1998)
82. Ghost Rider
83. Deck the Halls
84. Darkness
85. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
86. Codename: The Cleaner
87. Delta Farce
88. Bloodrayne
89. Book of Shadows: The Blair Witch Project 2
90. The Haunting
91. Fear Dot Com
92. The 13th Warrior
93. Ticks (replacing "Demolition Man", thanks to David Frost)
94. Surviving Christmas
95. Drag Me to Hell
96. The Postman
97. Scary Movie 3
98. Van Helsing
99. The World According to Garp
100. Ray
101. Clash of the Titans (2010)
Clash of the Titans (aka "How do you fuck up a movie about Greek mythology?")
Clash of the Titans (2010)
Today I had the pleasure of sitting through a thoroughly enjoyable remake of a film based largely on ancient mythology that many nerds and geeks the world over consider to be a cult classic. Wait, I think I'm remembering this wrong. Oh! Scratch that! I actually sat on my own testicles for two hours wishing that Medusa would magically turn around in the seat in front of me and turn my horrified ass to stone while I watched Hollywood rape James Cameron's 3-D legacy for all it's worth.
Hold on, I lost my primary point somewhere in all of this. Oh yeah, the plot sequencing. Nothing in "Clash of the Titans" makes an ounce of sense when weighed against Greek mythology or, gasp, common logic. Things just happen. Perseus happens across the pegasus early in the film only so that the pegasus can swoop into the underworld later on and rescue Perseus. No explanation. Calibos' blood breeds giant scorpions (not as cool as they sound) that are effing terrifying for about five minutes before being turned into LOTR oliphants that Perseus and company ride across the desert. Think about that for a moment. THEY RIDE GIANT SCORPIONS SPROUTED FROM A FALLEN KING'S CURSED BLOOD. Holy effing Christmas.
And then you have the Kraken, or at least a creature called the Kraken, who seems to serve no purpose other than to take about fifteen minutes to raise out of the ocean and for Liam Neeson to deliver his most cringeworthy morsel of dialogue to date. If you have seen a single commercial for "Clash of the Titans" you have seen the coolest footage of the Kraken. Everything after that just looks like a crossbred vampire-turtle-dildo with tentacles (you would think such an item would appeal to both the "Twilight" and "TMNT" fanbase...).
Okay, I am literally exhausted from my hatred for this movie. The last point that I would make is the love story between Perseus and Io, which seemed about as forced as Gemma Arterton's painstaking attempts to isolate an expression on the emotional spectrum other than surprise and confusion. They even strike up romantic tension on the mythic boat the Charon navigates across the Styx, because boy, oh, boy, nothing kindles the mood like a brief yacht-ride across the river of the damned!
For the love of the gods, save your money and avoid this one at all costs. Rent the original. You may not love it. You may even hate it. But know that I have saved you precious dollars and moments of your life that would have been wasted watching this unoriginal, thoroughly intolerable garbage.
Today I had the pleasure of sitting through a thoroughly enjoyable remake of a film based largely on ancient mythology that many nerds and geeks the world over consider to be a cult classic. Wait, I think I'm remembering this wrong. Oh! Scratch that! I actually sat on my own testicles for two hours wishing that Medusa would magically turn around in the seat in front of me and turn my horrified ass to stone while I watched Hollywood rape James Cameron's 3-D legacy for all it's worth.
Let's get things straight. "Clash of the Titans" could very well have crashed and burned had its producers not made two very understandable decisions. First, let's bump its release date back a few weeks so that we can sucker in all the high schoolers and college students who'll be bored on their spring breaks. Second, let's slap "3-D" on this bad boy so that said young people will think "Avatar meets Greek Mythology" (for the record, this is the first and only time I will note the obvious distinction that the Kraken is in no way even remotely Greek). But I digress.
Peter Travers of "Rolling Stone", you tried to warn me before I shelved out matinee money for this garbage. Evidently, I am every bit as stupid as "Clash of the Titans" would have me believe. Twenty minutes into this movie, I could tell that this movie had made some fairly bold presumptions about me. It probably thinks I'm the kind of person who enjoys coloring books and eating the occasional dirt ball, because at first glance it looks like an M & M. It assumes my attention span is too short to note any of the glaring plotholes that riddle this movie like stretch marks in a Mississippi whorehouse (if this metaphor is not indicative of Mississippi whorehouses, please drop me a line). It also assumes that you love Sam Worthington, and you love hearing him drone through the horrendous dialogue in about three different accents while repeating important points left and right so that you can keep up with the film's RELENTLESS pace!
.
Relentless.
The worst part about "Clash of the Titans", however, is that there is no logical order to anything that occurs in the film. Louis Letterier was quoted not long ago as saying the following about his decision to remake the classic film: "I watched the original twice and then said 'how do we do it differently so that it becomes a bit more genuine?' (www.aintitcool.com/node/44432). He also said something along the lines of not liking Perseus' motivation enough in first one, so he felt the need to have the character come from a "more emotional place" in his version of the film. Thus, he did as anyone would do and cast Sam Worthington, who is more wooden in this film than the Djinn, who are made of freaking wood. A more emotional place in Letterier's film means killing off Perseus' parents (don't worry, you'll hardly have a chance to know them anyway) and then namedropping his father about fifty different times throughout the film.
.
At this point, I would go on and talk about all the other horrendous performances in the movie, from Liam Neeson's disinterested Zeus to Ralph Fiennes' Hades, who seems to rasp and whisper every line of dialogue as if Fiennes himself is embarrassed to be a part of this crap. Oh yeah, and Danny Huston makes a startling turn as Poseidon, complete with ONE FUCKING LINE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE.
Hold on, I lost my primary point somewhere in all of this. Oh yeah, the plot sequencing. Nothing in "Clash of the Titans" makes an ounce of sense when weighed against Greek mythology or, gasp, common logic. Things just happen. Perseus happens across the pegasus early in the film only so that the pegasus can swoop into the underworld later on and rescue Perseus. No explanation. Calibos' blood breeds giant scorpions (not as cool as they sound) that are effing terrifying for about five minutes before being turned into LOTR oliphants that Perseus and company ride across the desert. Think about that for a moment. THEY RIDE GIANT SCORPIONS SPROUTED FROM A FALLEN KING'S CURSED BLOOD. Holy effing Christmas.
And then you have the Kraken, or at least a creature called the Kraken, who seems to serve no purpose other than to take about fifteen minutes to raise out of the ocean and for Liam Neeson to deliver his most cringeworthy morsel of dialogue to date. If you have seen a single commercial for "Clash of the Titans" you have seen the coolest footage of the Kraken. Everything after that just looks like a crossbred vampire-turtle-dildo with tentacles (you would think such an item would appeal to both the "Twilight" and "TMNT" fanbase...).
Okay, I am literally exhausted from my hatred for this movie. The last point that I would make is the love story between Perseus and Io, which seemed about as forced as Gemma Arterton's painstaking attempts to isolate an expression on the emotional spectrum other than surprise and confusion. They even strike up romantic tension on the mythic boat the Charon navigates across the Styx, because boy, oh, boy, nothing kindles the mood like a brief yacht-ride across the river of the damned!
For the love of the gods, save your money and avoid this one at all costs. Rent the original. You may not love it. You may even hate it. But know that I have saved you precious dollars and moments of your life that would have been wasted watching this unoriginal, thoroughly intolerable garbage.
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